mselainaeous

Grandmommy Loves

2009-12-09T08:00:00.010-06:00

Today would have been my Grandmother's 91^st birthday. She passed in May, joining my Grandfather and Mother.

The story goes that I called my Grandmother "Monka" for the first few years… I really don't remember and there are very few people around that remember me that young – I don't know why that came out or even how to spell it… But in time I settled on Grandmommy. She chose that name for herself and since then there has been two more Grandmommy's – her daughters, my mother and my aunt. I imagine one day, me and my sister will also become Grandmommy. There is warmth to that endearment, when I think of Grandmommy I think of love.

We stayed with Grandmommy all the time when I was growing up. I remember leaving New Mexico for Florida when I was 6 and how hard it was to leave. Her home would be my home base during the years that we moved so much. Every summer we would come back to the house in Las Cruces – with the Bermuda grass, the cinderblock fence that my sister and I couldn't keep off… our balance was pretty good but I also remember the pain of scrapes down our legs when we fell off. Grandmommy and Papa always had a pool and we swam everyday for hours and I remember many sunburns and the vinegar that she would put on our poor skin to sooth the sting.

When we were little and Grandmommy baked bread, she would give us dough to knead and make into our own loaves in little tiny bread pans. Our final product would be very chewy – over kneaded, loaves and rolls made and remade – but I would be so proud! We always have Grandmommy's rolls for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, my oldest helped me make the rolls – another generation blessed.

Grandmommy wrote letters! I kept every letter and now I have over a hundred letters and cards in her perfect script, many ending with "Grandmommy Loves". The letters were newsy and tell about day to day life, I always read them out-loud, making it easier to hear her voice. They are a written history.

When we were little, Grandmommy sang a song – I am not sure where it came from -

I have a dear little dolly, whose eyes are bright blue*
She can open and shut them and she smiles at me too
In the morning I dress her and we go out to play…
But I love best to rock her and the end of the day…

Grandmommy Loves…

*she'd substitute as green for my eye color

Present

2009-12-08T16:06:00.001-06:00

I don't get excited about Christmas. At the risk of sounding very sad and pitiful, I haven't looked forward to Christmas since my youngest was four. Since then, I've pretty much done the bare minimum of what had to be done and let go whatever was unnecessary or painful. In my grief over tragic losses, I survived the holidays as if Christmas was a gauntlet to overcome.

God redeems. And while time doesn't heal all wounds, the sting lessens and we learn to get along with our new truth. The time has come to not just survive the holidays, but to actively seek out joyful experiences and new traditions. I am not the same woman I was ten years ago - my girls have grown into young women and new people bring laughter and joy. I can honestly say that I am happy and present in a life that I never could have conceived of when I was a mom in Tennessee.

My girls and I have only been together one out of the last four Christmas Days. When I recently asked them about our holiday traditions, they both said that our biggest tradition was having Christmas the weekend before Christmas. Turns out that they really liked how we would spend Friday night as Christmas Eve and Saturday as Christmas. It was reassuring that they haven't felt the sting of disappointment in how we've celebrated the holidays, but I have bigger expectations for this year.

This Christmas, my girls will spend Christmas with me and I am looking forward to starting new traditions. I don't know what Christmas will look like, but over the years, I have learned that Christmas is not about the presents but about being Present.

I will be Present.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

If we make it through December

2009-12-01T14:28:00.007-06:00

If we make it through December
Everything's gonna be alright I know
It's the coldest time of winter
And I shiver when I see the fallin' snow

If We Make It through December, Merle Haggard

Mama wasn't a country fan, but when things got tough around this time of year, she would always sing the first lines of "If We Make It through December" – it became a bit of an anthem for the stress of December and all the things that come attached to the holidays: decorating, shopping, long lines and money disappearing faster than you can say "Oh, that's perfect for ----".

I'm not going to write about how much I hate December - been there, done that (Long December, December 1, 2008). Last year, to help me make it through December, I wrote about some of my favorite holiday memories. You can find them in past posts – but I also made a new blog mselainaeous christmas memories so that all my Christmas memories would be in one spot. I will add to them this year.

I was alone last Christmas. That is not the case this year! I am happy to say that the Santa that visited me Christmas Day (Christmas Present) is an important part of my daily life. So many things have changed in just one year – I've recorded many of them in this blog.

I feel very blessed. Things aren't perfect but they are good.

I think we are going to make it through December.

Why you haven’t heard from me

2009-11-03T10:43:00.001-06:00

It's not that I'm not writing, it's just that I'm not writing on mselainaeous or mydaughters. I enjoy writing and it's very easy to start a new blog, so I have the luxury of several different forums with different topics. My latest blog isn't personal, but relates to my profession and love of Business. You can find it at Relevant Marketing.

In my last job, I was not able to use either my skills in marketing or my strengths in business strategy. I loved the company that I worked for, but I was not growing. I had a specific job to do and doing that job, combined with the toll constant traveling takes on life, didn't leave much room for creativity. Since I left that job, I have enjoyed finding and applying my talents through the projects I am working on. Sure, I have to apply a great deal of time and creativity to find my next position, but I am happy to able to flex my graphic design and marketing muscles.

All the elements of my life, like dice, have been gathered up, shaken and rolled… but really, isn't that just like life?

Talks with the Youngest

2009-10-11T22:55:00.003-05:00

I have seen my youngest blossom in the last couple of weeks. My youngest is an old soul with a wisdom that sometimes stuns me. She is 14 going on 40, but still very young and needs to go through all the steps of growing up. God appointed me as her mother and I am fiercely aware of the privilege and the responsibility. Parenting her alternately makes me feel like a pretty good mother and reminds me about how very little control I have over much of her personality. She is very internal and finds it difficult to adapt. She does not easily understand social cues – but survives by being a keen observer, often coming up with some interesting insight into people.

Today, we were talking about Miley, Taylor and Brittany and the challenges of being a star and the image that they project. I told her that that they are in a hard position because the world encourages them to be sexy. She then surprised me with her basic understanding of how immorality works by saying "The world encourages them to be sexy and then makes fun of them for it". We went on to discuss whether Taylor was going to be tempted to "sex" it up or would she be able to maintain her purity and dignity. Was it okay for Brittany to be sexy now – because she's on top? But what happens when she gets less popular? Are people are going to make fun of her? Should Miley cool it? These topics may sound trivial, but they are very important to a 14 year old who is trying to understand life.

More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz

Family DysFunction

2009-10-02T23:46:00.012-05:00

The longest relationship we have is with our siblings. Most of us don't even remember when our sisters or brothers weren't around or one of our early memories is of a younger sibling being born.

I am the oldest and I don't remember my sister Lisa being born, but I do remember the day we got my brother Bryan. They are two of the most important people in my life. I can honestly say that they are part of the reason why I am the way I am... so you can blame them!

When we were younger, we did have our fights. I don't know of many parents that don't shake their heads about the squabbles that their children have with each other. Sitting in the back of a car for hours will teach anyone how to get along with difficult people and we had plenty of those, growing up in New Mexico. But those fights are a distant memory... when we get together now, we mostly laugh and indulge in our mutual inclination to exaggerate.

Years ago, I remember watching an Oprah show where she declared that every family was dysfunctional. I thought she was just drawing on her own experience – but as I've gotten older I've come to recognize that there is probably some dysfunction in every relationship - what matters is if you care enough to work it out and are mature enough not to always want it to be your way. Growing up with a sibling or two, helps you practice. Just like our first friends, we cut our teeth on our brothers and sisters...

I like to think that my family puts the "Fun" into Dysfunction and our shared experiences mean that we look at life similarly. We have the same sense of humor - recently, I told my sister and brother about something that had happened, and they both got why I found it so funny. They are my biggest supporters and who I turn to when I'm having a difficult time, need advice, or something great happens. I am there for them in the same way.

It was nice growing up with someone like you - someone to lean on, someone to count on... someone to tell on! -- Author Unknown

Different Circus

2009-09-30T08:22:00.010-05:00

I never would have quit the job. It was putting food on the table and keeping the wolves at bay. The job provided a nice living and some really nice perks, but it was the security I found the most seductive. As a single mother, I have come to appreciate that my ability to make a steady income is the only insurance I have as I walk the tightrope without a net.

Over three years ago, I had taken the job with trepidation because it entailed a great deal of travel. And we did have some bumpy times. After a while, I found with careful planning, I could manage my life and mother my girls from the road. Sure, I had to let some things go, but the three of us survived and even thrived, in spite of the travel.

As my oldest prepared to leave the nest, I knew things were going to change and stepped up my prayers for guidance. I just couldn't figure out how it was all going to work out – my youngest being by herself a great deal was not a good scenario and that was something I couldn't ignore. I prayed and prayed for God to help me figure it all out…

Last Friday, I walked into a meeting with a job and left without one. That afternoon, I joined the unemployed, which is a very scary place to be. As I am processing my shock, I can't help but realize that my prayers were answered, just not in the way I wanted to envision.

I've often joked about running away to a different circus and now I have –

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Happy Birthday to my Best Friend

2009-09-17T16:37:00.008-05:00

Remember walking around our middle of nowhere New Mexico town talking about nothing much, everything, and what the heck did the Eagles mean by "You can check out any time you like, But you can never leave..."?

Cris is my best friend. We've been friends for 34 years. There isn't much that I wouldn't do for her - except send a birthday card on time. But she's gotten used to that.

I'm the Loyal One. She's the Reliable One...

Remember when I turned 15, 18, 21, before you did and you told me that meant I was going to die before you? That really was horrible!

We've had our ups and downs. I learned a lot about relationship from the mistakes that I made way back when - before we knew that we were cutting our teeth on each other so that we wouldn't later in our adult relationships.

Remember when I called you about my mother and you made travel arrangements so that you could be there for me at her funeral 1600 miles away? I don't think I've ever thanked you for that...

I started the friendship. She's kept it going during those times when I needed a best friend, but couldn't possibly function well enough to be a decent friend. I am so lucky.

Happy Birthday to my Best Friend!

Carpe Diem

2009-09-11T16:06:00.001-05:00

I was living in Colorado Springs and had just walked my girls to the bus stop on a beautiful September morning. When I turned on the TV, one of the World Trade Center buildings filled the screen and it took me a few minutes to realize what was going on. Later the skies were eerie quiet with the exception of military helicopters making sweeps...

We all remember where we were when something happens. Waking up, there is usually nothing to tell you that the day is going to change your life. Or change the way you look at things. Experience is a post-event result. Things change because of what we experience, good or bad.

Last night, I watch Gray's Anatomy and it was a rerun of the "What a Difference a Day Makes" episode from last season.

Izzie: You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know?
Denny: I bet you ... you made a beautiful bride.
Izzie: It was a beautiful day.

Every day you wake up has the potential for tragedy or blissful joy. Every day. Because these days are mixed in with the mundane, we often get numb to the potential of the Day. The DAY that the Lord has Made.

I want to be the type of person that takes care of the days I've been given - not just for what I might accomplish, but to truly give something to the day. I won't live forever, but I want to live each day as if I wanted to... Until the day that I leave this life and join my God for eternity.

Have you Noticed?

2009-09-02T11:48:00.007-05:00

Lately I've been grappling with perspective. I have been so busy getting this & that started or another life transition accomplished that I haven't even noticed the Roses let alone stopped and smelled them. It is part of my fundamental makeup for me to be in motion and when you are going fast, things are a blur. I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking back and trying to remember - I want to savor what is going on now. To enjoy true Joy. During happy times and stressful times.

I'm excited about my friend Jerry's new blog Joy in the Workplace. Jerry and I go way back... all the way to Roosevelt Street in Alamogordo, New Mexico when we were very little and our mothers were young mothers. His mother is now my closest link to my mother and how things were when she was a mother of teens.

I recently read a book called "The Noticer" - I highly recommend it. It's a quick, easy read but a sweet story about a mysterious man named Jones who offers insight and new ways to look at things - perspective.

Here's what I'm doing to get perspective:

Noticing when someone is showing me that they care (I struggle with feeling alone)
Remembering that the teen years is difficult, crazy-making time for all (Parenting is hard - so is being a kid )
Intentionally not allowing Satan to steal my Joy (Am I the only one that hears those poisonous whispers?)
Surrounding myself with positive ideas and people (Negativity breeds in the dark)
Being honest with myself and other people (Satan hates the truth brought to light)
Reading and studying my bible more and more (To help me find the light)
Making God my constant companion (Prayer takes me out of myself)

Be still, and know that I am God Psalm 46:10

Content

2009-08-23T00:25:00.003-05:00

We came out the other end and the light was glorious.

Life has been coming at me pretty fast lately. In the last week, I've taken my oldest to college and my youngest entered High School. I tried very hard to prepare my daughters (and myself!) for the transitions that we were facing and I think I did pretty well. I knew what I wanted for my oldest daughter as she moved on to the next phase of her life: the security that she was from someplace, that she had a home and the confidence that she was where she needed to be to start her adult life. I think she has that... but I know that she will have to come to that realization herself.

Driving from Lubbock, as you approach I-20, there are two choices: Abilene or El Paso. My daughters were born in El Paso and since my oldest chose a college in Abilene, the signs really show where she's been and where she is going.

My life has opened up in some ways. I can already tell that my day to day mothering load has been reduced. But I've also gone back to having a child that can't drive and needs supervision. Her older sister provided a great deal of the supervision and transportation in the last two years. It will be two years before my youngest will be able to drive and another two years after that before she will be going off to college herself. But I have been here before and I know the ropes and I have a clear vision of what I want for my youngest -

Things are very good. I would describe myself as "happy" or "content". I haven't felt this settled in very long time even though there is a great deal of future undecided. I am content to wait and see what the future holds for me. I am enjoying dreaming for myself and not just for my kids. It wasn't very long ago when I couldn't or wouldn't dream.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

Wisdom

2009-08-03T17:04:00.006-05:00

When I'm looking for discernment or wisdom, I also pray that God will bring into my life people, experiences, music, books that will help me understand what I need to know or do. I value my relationships for the support and love I receive – but also for the wisdom. You could say that my life has been one big learning experience so far… and school is still in session.

A few places I've found wisdom -

The Bible. God's word is where we should go first... although I admit often don't have the spiritual maturity to do so.
My grandmother, mother, aunt… My grandmother's "one cuts and the other picks" works for so many different situations.
My daughters. My youngest's "Yea for them, Boo for their attitude" still makes me laugh – it's so true!
My sister and best friend and other friends that are younger or older, single or married, work or stay at home that I can check in with to get different opinions and options. A friend's simple "He bought the lie" has brought understanding to many situations that I don't understand.
The man in my life. He gives me perspective. He naturally looks at things differently and his viewpoint helps me not be so blinded to other ways of looking at things. He once told me that I could make a toothpick complicated – so true!
My Daddy - one of the best pieces of wisdom from him was to get my MBA – which has meant that I could provide for my girls.
Music. During a particularly low time in my life when my life was being ripped to shreds, The Newsboys serenaded me to work every morning with "Lord, I don't Know".

Wisdom is all around us – if we are open to it.

Friday in the Office

2009-07-31T15:55:00.003-05:00

Random Thoughts -

I started out today with exactly 4000 emails in my work inbox... I only have 1790 in my sent folder. I guess that means I get approximately 2 emails to every 1 email I send.
I have two laptops, two mouses (mice?), 5 power cords (I collect them), 3 laptop bags and one nerf gun.
I just left the breakroom and a fascinating discussion going on about how different babies like to be burped. The sad thing is that as the mother of former babies, I could have joined in... but I made the decision to not talk about anything that would embarrass my daughters - unless they are present.
Looking forward to tomorrow... not so much next week. I don't know anybody in Lubbock that goes to Des Moines as much as I do.
Friday is casual dress. Many of our programmers wear shorts and flip-flops year-round - so how do they know that it's Friday? Actually, the dress of this office is much better than the one I used to work at. There, some would take it too far and dressed like they were going to clean out their garage later.
Time to go home - I worked through lunch and I'm ready for the weekend!
4034 emails...

A time for everything

2009-07-29T16:37:00.009-05:00

A few months ago, I had the very physical feeling that my life was on the verge of something… I was in the calm before the storm with no inclination of where I was going to end up or how things were going to happen… Once they happened… Battle Stations (wo)maned… All dressed up with no place to go… And I waited… I blogged… I waited some more… I started a new blog to record the things I wanted my daughters to know… I whined… I waited… I schemed a little to try get things going… I left things alone… I waited………

Until one day I got the call that my 90 year old grandmother was very ill and not expected to live out the month… And we held our breath because my oldest was about to graduate high school and I didn’t want to be torn between honoring my very special grandmother and celebrating my oldest… Mid May, I got the even sadder call: Death had visited my family once again.

In the following weeks, I said Goodbye to my grandmother, Marked the passage of my daughter and her friends from half grown kids to young women and men, Welcomed Love back in my life, Observed another birthday, Mourned my mother’s passing 8 years ago and Attended the wedding of my father.

You could say it’s been a busy summer.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Life

2009-07-28T17:28:00.004-05:00

I reside in a Post-Traumatic life. While it sounds horrible, it's really not that bad – not that I would know if it were. The tragedies that I experienced define me. I look at life through sad eyes sometimes. I am not easily shocked my other's failures or temptations. I find that I don't ask a lot of people – because to do so would invite disloyalty, waste or betrayal.

I reside in a Transparent Life. I want you to know that I have been disloyal. I have wasted opportunities. I don't want to even think about who or what I've betrayed because I thought that’s what I needed to do to survive. I am human and I am fully imperfect. I live in a glass house not because of my perfection, but because we all do – my windows are smashed and the few that remain are very dirty… but it is my hope that the light that shines from those windows is a reflection of my Redeemer.

I reside in a Redemptive life. I have been redeemed. My sorrow has been turned into dancing. My light gets brighter every day. I am loved. I am blessed. I live in the moment. I live in the palm of HIS hand.

Lamentations 3

Psalms 30

Brick Wall

2009-07-10T23:47:00.002-05:00

I have one big, huge brick wall that I've been trying to get around for a while and it is driving me crazy. I was forced to take a break from trying to knock it down and for a while, it looked like the wall wasn't going to be an issue... at least not in the immediate future. But I've decided to tackle it again and I have to ask myself:

How much to I want what is on the other side of the brick wall I just hit?

In my case - very, very much.

Sometimes, the wall is just not worth scaling, going around, or tearing down. You always have the choice to turn your back on the wall and find another path.

The key is to first to recognize the brick wall. If you don't see it, you will knock yourself against it over and over, never understanding what you are not going to crash through this barrier without some planning and hard work.

The second thing you need to do is decide if you want what is on the other side. So many times we don't take the time to decide whether it's worth it to put the energy into getting to the other side - brick walls often deteriate over time making them very easy to scale.

Next, put some time into educating yourself on the best way to get around the wall. If you see the wall in a distance, there is nothing wrong in preparing for it.

Finally, you need to do the work.

My wall was being built brick by brick during a time that I didn't even recognize what was going on. I probably even helped build it. I have been knocking myself against it, trying to break it down and I am pretty beat up. So now I have to decide if going around it isn't the best way to get to the other side... or maybe look for a door, or go over it or under it.

Whatever I do, I recognize that I can't do it without God... More about that later....

Not a lot to say

2009-07-09T17:07:00.001-05:00

One of the essential things about blogging is that you need to blog regularly. Daily if possible. I have never been able to even keep a diary, so it's been a very big deal that I have 125 entries since my first one last June. That's not including my other blog... 54 for I want my Daughters to know... and 32 for singled out. That adds up to over 200 entries in a year. I guess you could say that I had a lot to say!

I still have a lot to say but lately I've been sharing more on a personal level. Things to share that need to be said and not read. Some very cool things have happened and I am excited about the possibilities...

"And that's all I have to say about that." Forrest Gump

This week, I have talked to two friends that are at a crossroads in their life - one in her relationship and the other, her career. I so understand where they are coming from! All last year, I felt like I'd been dropped off at my crossroads. No map, no transportation... just the knowledge that things would be different. Eventually.

These young women are so much wiser than I was at their age, so I feel like a fraud to even pretend to know what they should do... but there is one thing that I do know is essential. It is important for them to get quiet.

Be still and know that I am God... Psalm 46:10

Get quiet and listen. It may not come to you immediately. In fact, it probably won't. Pray and meditate. Read your bible. And listen.

Truth

2009-06-30T14:43:00.001-05:00

Today is a strange travel day... 5 flights, 2 airlines and a 3 hour layover in Vegas... alot of people play the slots while they are waiting. I, on the other hand, am taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi. I'm also blogging while charging my iPhone - so you could say I'm multi-tasking.

I've got a lot that I could blog - the month of June, like the month of May, has been one of change and transition. My birthday was a couple of days ago and today marks the halfway point for 2009. My preference in life is to look forward and as I look forward - I see such possibilities...

I'm am a firm believer in the power of God to redeem our lives. His grace is sufficient and as difficult as it may be to comprehend, there is nothing that he can't do. But we must believe. It is our belief that allows God to work in our hearts to heal us from past wrongs and choose to take the opportunities given us.

Are you stuck in a rut? Look at the strongholds that define your life. A stronghold often starts out as a place of refuge, a place to lick our wounds but if we are not careful, it will become a prison that doesn't allow us to move forward.

We each have a truth, a fundamental belief that drives our life. That truth comes from our past experiences and the people, events and circumstances that form our current life. Which means that our truth is distorted by our selected memories and perspective - good or bad.

Take a look at the strongholds and individual truths that define your life and compare them to God's truth. Not long ago, my "truth" was that everyone leaves eventually - whether you want them to our not. Looking at God's truth, I realized that He will never leave me and I need to live my life off of that truth not the lie of abandonment.

"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

Random Reflection

2009-06-25T17:31:00.001-05:00

It's that time again... every quarter, I have the job of looking back and recording what I've done at work on a spreadsheet. The company uses it to analyze and forecast. I use it to figure out if I am on target for my yearly quota, one way to tell if I'm doing a "good" job... and also a way for me to tell if I'm going to "make the boat" - the annual bonus trip for meeting and going beyond your sales quota.

Sitting at my desk plugging numbers into a spreadsheet, listening to random music on my ipod - Driver's Seat (Sniff 'n' the Tears)...Train in Vain (The Clash)...Whatever It Is (Zac Brown Band)...We Made You (Eminem)...In Love With a Girl (Gavin DeGraw), it's hard not to also reflect on what's happened in my life 2nd quarter. The last 3 months have been full of endings, beginnings and changes. It's very unsettling.

What is it about times of change that makes you realize that you want something real? You get tired of the games and enticements of people that only want what they can take from you. What have you done for me lately? It's doesn't take long living the single life to realize that you want someone that you can walk with through this life... holding your hand as you pray, picking you up when you stumble, being kind to you when everyone else seems to have it out for you. To have that wonderful connection with someone... one that you know that God is a part of.

So many people gonna say that they want you,
To try to get you thinking they really care,
But there's nothing like the warmth of the one who has put in the time and you know he's gonna be there

In Love With a Girl (Gavin DeGraw)

I’ve run away to join a different circus

2009-06-10T21:09:00.001-05:00

I love email... but there are two things that I really hate about email: Read Receipts and the Out of Office Assistant.

In fact, I pretty much can't function without email. For 3 years now, I've been able to take my addiction to email on the road with my cell phone and laptop and I take full advantage of that ability. If you know me very well, you know that I'm more likely to email than pick up the phone. I even had a boyfriend once tell me that I emailed him too much - and he'd prefer it if I just called him. Okay, he had a point -

I find Read Receipts very aggressive. Why does that person need to have verification that I received/read their email? I read all my emails, I'm an addict - remember? A new email just rewards the addiction. And I'm pretty darn good at replying. I'm not that it important, so it's not like I've got major decisions to make or they can't live through the suspense of waiting for my reply to know that I've read their email. Just so you know, If you attach one of those to an email you send to me, expect me to hit "Ignore" - unless you are higher up on the food chain than I am.

I hate the Out of Office Assistant for the very simple reason that I don't like telling random people that I'm not in the office. The thing is, I am NEVER in the office. I receive more emails on my iPhone than I do when I'm "In the Office". And I'm a bit embarrassed to say I look at them the minute they pop up. Have I mentioned I'm addicted? I feel odd updating the Out of Office message because I really don't think people care that I'm not there... I'm not that important.

No matter how silly I feel telling people that email me that I'm not "In the Office" through an auto-generated reply, from this day forward, I will be using the Out of Office Assistant. Yes, I have become that important... actually, it's been mandated by beings above me. For now, I've got a pretty standard message up - but wouldn't it being fun to announce the following?

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 6/29. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

I am on vacation. Your e-mail has been deleted.

and my personal favorite, because it fits my life so well...

I've run away to join a different circus.

8 years later

2009-06-05T20:54:00.001-05:00

Time heals. Children grow and then grow up. The world continues to spin and we learn how to re-enter it with our altered lives....

There is no way to sugar-coat it. I have been through a brutal month. I knew it was going to be a hard month. Eight years ago, my mother was killed in a traffic accident. I lost so much - she loved me unconditionally, she was my mother, mentor and friend. A soft place to land in times of trouble. I was old enough to not need mothering and yet old enough to recognize the value in being mothered for as long as God blessed me with a mother. I have raised two girls from 6 to 14 and 10 to 18 without my mother's advice or help.

It gets easier. That's a truth that is both optimistic and dreadful. Time heals, mainly because you've had a chance to process the terrible and get used to the reality. You get busy living life and before you know it, another year has gone by and you survived and even thrived. Life happened and you didn't get to share it with them... but you get used to that too.

And then one of the big events in life happen. This year it was graduation. I remember briefly thinking 8 years ago that my mother wouldn't be there for my daughters's future milestones. But there was so much to take in, to take care of. It wasn't until we started getting close to graduation that I realized that the time had come and there would be no Mama at graduation. Alexa chose to honor her Grandmommy with a picture in the senior slide show that was shown at graduation. It was very sweet and special and it stunned me at how much it hurt.

Life is very different for me and my girls now. Our lives have been so blessed. We are living in a different state. My girl's have grown and matured - they are turning out well. I have matured in my faith, my outlook in life - you might say that I've grown up. When I got the call, I was optimistic and smug, dissatisfied with what life had brought and yet happy with everything that I had. I didn't know that I would soon lose so much that I would learn to try to hold everything else with a loose grip and appreciate what I was blessed with so much more.

I like to think my mother would have been proud of the woman I have become since our final hug.

I was inspired to write this entry by a blog that I follow, Thoughts, Memories and Hope for the Future. Go to Matt's blog entry, Two Years, for a perspective on what it's like two years after a death of a loved one.

The (temporary) Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-05-30T16:41:00.002-05:00

Well, my oldest has graduated from high school. I can't really say that it was a major accomplishment for her - she found high school easy enough. There were things that she liked and things that she didn't like about her high school years, but I'm pretty sure that it was 4 years of her growing up years that she will look back fondly. And besides, turning 18 and graduating are punches on the ticket for adulthood - which looks so appealing when you are young enough to not realize what you are taking on when you take on total responsibility for your life.

I, on the other hand, am grappling a bit. I keep looking for proof that I have equipped her well enough for the next phase of life. Has she learned what she needs to know? Have I learned what I need to know? There are apron strings that will need to be cut... if we aren't able to untie them.

So we have the summer as a reprieve and then it's off to college and for my youngest, high school. One child at home, one child not. Life is transitioning and will never be the same.

Nothing Better

2009-05-22T17:06:00.003-05:00

About 5 or 6 years ago, after a particularly trying time with my girls, I asked my sister, somewhat bitterly, "Why am I doing this? For a 'Thanks Mom' at graduation?" Her answer went something like, "Yes - and you may not get even that". At the time I had two elementary aged girls... about 8 and 12. The concept of my girls being young women was just that - a concept. I had the end in mind... and a shaky plan to be true to my conviction that stability is more important than money, that children need lots of quantity and quality time, and that God would somehow help me parent my girls and bless us with good people in our lives that would give me help in the bad times and be there to celebrate the good times...

I got my 'Thanks Mom' today.

My oldest's school has a event called Senior Chapel where any Senior can come up and say whatever they want about their experiences, family and friends. Lots of Tears and Laughter. This is what my daughter said to me...

Mama – It has been a true joy to be your daughter. You have given me a legacy to follow. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come to this school. Without your sacrifices, I wouldn't be here and wouldn't have all the awesome opportunities you have bestowed on me. Your Christian influence pushes me all the time and never fails to challenge me. I know it's hard to let me go but you being strong has made it easier to leave, I love you so much Mama!

I never did it for the "Thanks Mom". But it was sure nice to hear.

Moving On

2009-05-08T14:10:00.003-05:00

Moving On can be a dreadful process. In recent years, I've had a lot to "move on" from. I have had to "move on" from being a wife to being a single mother. I was forced to "move on" from being a daughter who saw or talked to her mother daily. I've had to "move on" from lost relationships and jobs. I am now in the process of "moving on" to being the mother of a (almost) grown child.

Moving on is painful because it is change. I am all for change when a) I hate the situation or b) I don't care one way or another. I don't think I am any different from most people in the way I handle change. When I am emotionally or physically invested, I can't help but fight the change mentally - even when there is no stopping it or it may be for the best.

The evolution of life has always been enough to keep me excited about the next stage or season. I never wanted to hold on to High School or even the College years. I savored being a newly married but was ready to drop that for babies. As my girls have grown up, I've had some times when I was ready for them to get out of that particular stage, but all in all it's been a delight to be a part of growing and maturing a girl turning into a woman.

I find myself at a crossroads right now. My devotion to getting my girls in a good place mentally, emotionally and spiritually, is being rewarded with one daughter that is as well-adjusted as a 14 year old can possibly be and another daughter, who at 18, will soon be graduating from High School and doing some "moving on" herself. I have paid a high price personally for the wonderful circumstances, but I know very well what could have happened. I've made mistakes, but all in all I wouldn't do anything differently.

Our lives have a great deal of divine choreography in it - but HE also allows us our free will. As I "move on" with my life, I want to become more like HIM, to stop crying "Not Fair" and to come to a deeper understanding of what I was placed on this world to do, to be.

Remembering Mama

2009-05-06T16:46:00.005-05:00

Today is my mother's birthday.

I was always very proud of my mother. Mama was beautiful and growing up, I wanted to be as beautiful. Her beauty wasn't just physical - she was truly beautiful on the inside. Very young looking, she was often mistaken for our sister - when we weren't "aged" down quite a bit!

Born in Greeley, Colorado, Mama lived most of her life in New Mexico but she loved rainy, gloomy days. I think it was because that is when she could truly be herself, a homemaker. We lived in West Virginia when she was in her late 20's and that was her favorite place to live, up until my parents moved to Tennessee. She would sometimes cry when she heard the song "Country Road Take Me Home".

Mama loved being a wife and mother. She always wanted a lot of children and was very proud to be the mother of 5. We buried her with her grandmommy necklace - a necklace with a charm for every grandchild - 12 at that time... with 2 more arriving later.

There are so many things I would like to tell you about her. One of the saddest facts of my life is that I have a lot of friends that never got to meet my mother, but I'd like to think I carry some of her spirit with me and by knowing me, you know a little of her.

Freaking Out Here

2009-05-03T21:01:00.004-05:00

I am just going to lay it out there - I am not in my right mind. I am on the edge of freaking and it's not a good place to be. Having my oldest graduating is wonderful, but there is so much to do and to mentally to take in. It is very likely that I am going to walk down memory lane... right off a cliff. I will probably end up grappling with some of it here - but in a nutshell, I feel like I have to be a tower of strength at time when I feel very weak and wish for someone to take care of me.

I do know God is with me and I'm not alone. I have been blessed with very good freinds and a family that would do anything for me. A friend called me Brave a while back. I'd like to think I'm brave, but really, I am just a woman living the life that she was given with as much grace as possible. But I'm only human and I've already freaked out a couple of times and the month just started...

May is never a good month for me and this year I've got some extra things to work through, so if you see me freaking out - just be gentle. Kind words and hugs only please! I am not as strong as everyone seems to think I am.

50 Down/50 To Go

2009-05-01T13:00:00.004-05:00

I have just completed my 50th entry on my Daughters blog. Fifty! That's a lot - but I know that I won't have any problem thinking of 50 more. There are so many things that I want my daughters to know.

My 50th entry is Cherish Your Sister. Growing up, I remember my Mother, Grandmother and Aunt tell me and my sister how special it was that we had a sister and how we were going to be good friends. I don't think good relationships are accidental and my sister, brother and I were taught early on to share, to not hold grudges against each other, to protect and love each other. I don't hang up the phone with my family without saying "I love you" - not just as a close to the conversation, but as a way to let the person know how much you care.

My girls are good friends and I love that!

Junior High Banquet

2009-04-26T20:24:00.005-05:00

Last night, was the Awards banquet for the Junior High. My youngest is in the 8th grade and so this makes my 4th banquet. The banquet is an Event - all the kids dress up and some even have "dates". Because this is Junior High, all the girls stress over what they are going to wear and the boys mothers stress over what the boys are going to wear.

My youngest, with the help of her sister, pick a very pretty dress. A new rule of dressing is that they have to have at least 1 inch straps meant that I had to retro fit straps. Of course, I was involve in that project until just before we left, because my first design didn't work and so I had to improvise. I am proud to say that they didn't malfunction during the event - even though they were held on by a sewing, safety pins and hope.

My oldest also arranged for her friend to do the youngest makeup and hair. I think she looks a bit like Taylor Swift!

The banquet seemed very long - it's was made a little easier by my escort for the evening - my oldest. She was a delightful companion, although I did catch her updating her FB status during the academic awards with J.H. Banquet = Death... A slow painful, tortured death!!!

All in all it was a sweet, if a tad overly long, evening. I was so glad to be able to honor my youngest this way. The upcoming month is going to be full of her sister graduating - and while her time will come, I know it can get a little old having your sister get so much attention.

This is the good stuff...

Holding Out

2009-04-23T20:56:00.003-05:00

"You should buy them!" my oldest encouraged me. I'd only stopped a moment to look at the diamond stud earrings - like I always do, promising myself that one day I will have a pair. The saleswoman eager to make a sale, pulled a moderate size out for me to look at closer. "Dillard's is closing down the fine jewelry department and everything is 40% off - " So, so tempting - but not really.

I decided at 19 that I was one day going to have a pair of diamond stud earrings and they would be given to me by my loving husband on my 40th birthday - surrounded by my loving children. The idea wasn't original, it formed easily because I was at my mother's 40th birthday and my father had just given her a beautiful set of 1/2 carat diamond stud earrings.

I woke up alone on my 40th birthday. My newly ex-husband and my children were in Colorado. My mother had passed away 2 years earlier and I had been happy that her earrings had gone to my sister. On that birthday, there were no presents and I didn't expect any. Diamond stud earrings were the farthest thing from my mind - I was having enough trouble making sure there was money for the basic necessities.

I have come to realize that to me, diamond stud earrings equals love. Jewelry equals caring. I am not casual about jewelry. The men in my family give jewelry to show they care. The women in my family pass down jewelry on major events. Before my mother passed away, she bought ruby horseshoe pendants on a trip to the Czech Republic for her granddaughters on their 16th birthday. It is my honor to give my daughters and niece these special gifts in her place.

If I'm alone at 50, I may decide to buy diamond stud earrings for myself, but for now, I'm going to wait. As old-fashioned or silly as it sounds, I still want those earrings to be a gift from someone special. So for now, I'll wear costume or my classic hoop earrings - given to me by someone who cared about me. I've had to let go of a lot of dreams and fantasies and I'm not willing to let go of this one yet - even if I did have to go of when!

Soul Healing Forgiveness

2009-04-21T21:26:00.003-05:00

There is a man in South Africa who killed my mother. As far as I know, he paid for that crime with a jail sentence. It matters little to me. In the almost eight years since her death, I have spent no time hating my mother's killer. I was raised to not dwell on the sins other people commit against you - it is God who will judge them in the end and God who may even use such an incident as a catalyst for real change. I don't know. I prayed for him, forgiving and releasing him to God eight years ago. To me, there could be nothing worse than to know that you killed someone through your carelessness, through your impatience at a red light, because you were in a hurry...

Forgiveness is not just a concept for me. It is a living act that I do every day because I don't want to live life entangled in hatred's ugly tentacles. Most of the time, people don't even notice that you've forgiven them - or even that they did something that you need to forgive. Letting things wash over you without taking offense is underappreciated and it isn't understood. It is human nature to keep score.

I have many, many faults. I do my best to forgive because I have been forgiven. Most importantly by my heavenly Father, but also by people that I hurt. I can't go one day without somehow hurting or sinning against someone. It's not that I don't try, because I do, but I am sinful!

Lately, I have found that I still have some residual forgiving to do. How do I know? I have bitterness in my life. My bitterness means that I am not letting go of past hurts - which means that I have forgiven on the surface - but not on the deep level that is soul healing.

I long for your prayers...

At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?" Jesus replied, "Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.
Matthew 8:21-22

Forgiveness

2009-04-17T16:43:00.004-05:00

The relationship problem just never got resolved. We'd spent a great deal of time talking about that one issue. He'd sought advice from his friends - who told him it was a lost cause. The issue was mine to take care of and I tried so hard to resolve it so that we could get our relationship back on track. He'd been patient - but the time it took to fix the situation was much longer than either of us could of anticipated. He found someone else and moved on.

From up close, it looked like we didn't have enough faith to see us through the rough spots or if we'd just cared about each other more, things might have worked out. I now realize what was missing was forgiveness. There was a great deal to forgive -

Have you ever wondered why it is so important to forgive? Forgiveness is at the core of our Salvation. You can't have the blessing of being a child of God without the forgiving of sins. Hope, Faith, Peace, Love, Abundant Life... all is ours because we are forgiven.

Not being able to forgive rots relationships from the inside out. You simply can't have a relationship without forgiveness.

With forgiveness, you are able to visualize a better future where you are not wronged by the other person. There is the new possibility that the wrong they did will not be the final act in the matter. Forgiveness doesn't require apology - you only have to decide to forgive.

Without Forgiveness - you have no Relationship.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

Flat Tires and the Point

2009-04-15T16:48:00.005-05:00

Everything I know about cars and engines I learned from my best friend when she showed me where that oil thingee is - you know the one you use to check the oil.

She knows that, so I thought it very odd that she would suggest that I advise my daughters on how to change a flat tire on my blog, I want my daughters to know. I think she was just ready for me to get on with the list. I fell behind during Birthday Week and have not caught up, which is the reason why I've now pushed out my deadline to "whenever I get to 100" as opposed to the end of May. I will get it done when I get it done... before the oldest goes off to college.

For those of you who are wondering how I am keeping track of my entries and whether I'm running out of ideas, I made a spreadsheet with a list of the things that I want to tell my girls. When I come up with something, I put it on the list. Right now, I have a list of about 25 things that I just haven't had time to flesh out. I can always use new ideas, so feel free to help me out and let me know some things that you want to your daughter to know or your mother was determined to teach you.

Number 62 is about Flat Tires... but with a twist.

I've been pretty quiet lately mainly because I've been traveling and rearing kids. I also had a lot of things on my mind. Things that I couldn't really blog about - or need to figure out how I feel before I do. I have good friends and I'm amazed how many of you worried a bit about me when I asked "What's the point?" - I love the fact that you see me as a woman that is moving forward with her life and not often struck by the despair of pointlessness.

I am loved and I am so blessed - even when my fridge is broken, my children are sick, I'm stuck in airports, the dog throws up or I plain have to give it up.

Remember: If it makes a good story, it's worth living through...

What is the Point?

2009-04-12T23:01:00.007-05:00

I asked that question on Facebook earlier this evening.

My frustration level has been so high recently that I having a hard time even sitting. I want to run down the street screaming. After months and months of cycles of trying very hard, putting things aside, not worrying about it, and being patient, I have pretty much decided that I may have to just give up. I hate giving up. I learned a long time ago that while there are people that were much more gifted, talented, smarter and more attractive, what I have going for me is endurance. I don't give up easily and when I am forced to walk away, I can't hardly stand it.

One of the comments to "What is the Point?" was - "There is always a point and a reason" -

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I have been through things that I can hardly even think or talk about. I have lost many of the people that I drew strength from... to sudden death, betrayal and the slow decline of dementia. Again and again, I have had to recover, move on or move past.

I never understand the point to any of it until I am able to look back.

Until I can look back on these times, I will do the only thing I know how to do: Persevere.

Live. Love. And thank God that I do not have to figure out the point. God redeems.

Status Updates

2009-04-06T11:09:00.012-05:00

On Friday, while visiting a college, my daughter caught me using my phone to update my FB status (I couldn't help updating my status with a comment on the fact that they had Sushi in the cafeteria). She told me to stop… I was really tempted to tell my friends that she making me stop but then I realized that would be a little obsessive and perhaps a tad juvenile…

When I log into Facebook, the first thing I see is "What's on your mind?" – a little push to update my status. I enjoy making comments to my friends about what's going on in my life and I enjoy reading other people's statuses – even those that seem to have nothing better to do than update their status.

Alexandra Smith Brown is looking forward to a whole day of watching paint dry with her hubby, who is more awesome than powdered sugar!!! Posted 20 seconds ago

Alexandra Smith Brown thinks powdered sugar is Awesome!!! Posted 2 minutes ago

Status updates gives me a way to keep up with my friends and know a little bit about what's going on in their lives. The one-liners are enough to tell you or tease you. And when you need the back story, you can always ask… And the pictures! I've enjoyed sharing pictures and seeing wedding photos, baby pictures, football/basketball game pictures that I would have never had the chance to see if it weren't for my "friends" on FB.

The explosion of Social Networking sites has a lot of people nervous, but isn't that what friendship is about – sharing in each others lives? While we used to catch up at church, before class or during work breaks – we now also log on to FB and see what's going on. Using technology to stay in touch is not new, my grandmother was known to spend 5 or more hours on the phone with her sisters, they also had a round-robin letter that they would add to and send to the next person... My mother embraced email – after her death, I had quite a few people tell me that they would miss her emails. My daughter's have never known a world without the internet, cell phones and texting.

The "experts" say that we as a society are in for information overload… but I say load me up – I can take it.

Birthday Part II

2009-04-01T22:51:00.006-05:00

Today's birthday started out at breakfast. My youngest got her first gifts with her cereal. My oldest had her write down what she wanted for lunch and also brought her cupcakes at school. Cupcakes at school is a tradition that their grandmommy (my mother) started. I remember her bringing cupcakes to school for my sister and brother's birthdays. I had a summer birthday and never got cupcakes at school.

My youngest chose Carino's for her birthday dinner. We had two waiters this time (one in training) - I was informed that together they weren't even half as hot as our Saturday waiter. Lot's of laughter, presents and fun. I finally let my oldest's give her sister a prank gift - my youngest handled it well and just gave her sister a puzzled look.

Birthday week is winding down... Today I realized that after 14 years of needing to make two birthdays special, next year will be very different because I probably won't have the opportunity to celebrate both birthdays with my girls.

My April Fool’s Baby

2009-03-31T22:46:00.016-05:00

14 years ago, I learned that Love is not finite.

My first Birthday Week concluded with the birth of my second daughter. And what a week it was. It started with my oldest's 4^th Birthday Party at Chuck E. Cheese, a 41 week Doctor visit the next day and then a call from the Doctor telling me that it was time to check in to the hospital. We were about to have our second baby and it looked like they would both be born in March!

I checked into the hospital on Thursday morning and by Saturday morning… no baby. My youngest took her sweet time and ended up being born in April instead of March.

My April Fool's Baby.

On April 1, 1995, after a very long labor, I became the mother of two daughters. The birth of my first child had felt like trying on clothes that didn't fit, but the birth of my second child felt so right. I knew that being her mother was my destiny.

And that I loved her very, very much.

Birthday Week, Part I

2009-03-29T14:59:00.007-05:00

It's Birthday Week. The one week out of the year when both of my girls have their birthday. My oldest's birthday is first and then my youngest's. My daughters were born 4 years, 4 days and 4 hours apart.

My oldest wanted to eat out at a very nice restaurant and so we went to Café J. It was my oldest's first time to try Beef Wellington and my youngest actually had the shrimp! Our waiter was very attentive and my girls thought he was "hot". We had a wonderful time.

Birthday Week has gotten off to a great start!

Significant

2009-03-28T02:53:00.008-05:00

18 years ago today, I became a mother.

I wasn't there at the actual event, but it was one of the most significant, life-changing events in my life.

My last memory before motherhood was the anesthesiologist telling me to count to 10. I don't remember what number I got to, or very much about the first hours of my oldest's life – because of the drama of an emergency C-Section.

I remember when my precious baby was laid in my arms and looking at her and thinking…

Is that my baby? Is that the little person that has been growing inside of me for 9 months?

It seems like such a strange thought now, because being a mother is so much a part of me – but on that day, March 28, 1991, I didn't feel like a mother. I didn't know what being a mother was supposed to feel like. I just knew that she was mine and she was beautiful.

And that I loved her very, very much.

Poor Purdy!

2009-03-26T22:33:00.005-05:00

Is it cruel to laugh at the misfortune of the family pet?

Poor Purdy! She cut her back paw and then proceeded to lick it raw. Now it's infected and we have to put on an antibiotic. To keep her from licking her foot and licking the anti-biotic off, the vet issues the standard cone.

Does the dog know how silly she looks?

She looks ridiculous – but she is totally oblivious. It's the funniest thing – she looks like a clown dog – her head framed by a plastic ruff. Her depth perception is all out of whack. She knocks into things, backs up and then forges ahead until she hits another barrier. She's almost knocked me over a couple of times as she's tried to get close to me so I could pet her.

Poor Purdy!

Black Attack

2009-03-25T21:15:00.004-05:00

I try to hide my addiction from my kids but now that they are older, they notice. My tongue is Black and my lips have a Black tinge…

It's that time of year again. Easter. And you know what that means – Black Jelly Beans.

What? Easter doesn't mean black jelly beans to you?

You either like licorice or you don't. Most people I know don't. I startled a woman in Target the other night when I saw a lone bag of Brach's Black Jelly Bird Eggs (The Big Bag – 1 lb) and whooped in delight. She did a double take and told me, "I have never seen anyone react to those things that way before!"

"Those things" bring back special memories – my Grandmommy loved licorice and I remember being very small and her giving me Black Jack chewing gum. When I was a teenager and in college, she'd even buy me my own bag of black jelly beans – Grandmommy didn't often give little gifts like that and it made me feel special.

One thing about it, since I don't know anyone that shares my love for black jelly beans, I get all that I want! And that is fine with me…

Start the Car…

2009-03-24T20:36:00.001-05:00

Well I'm tired of the pressure, So tired of the pace
Just wanna grab you baby, and get out of this place

Jude Cole

There is nothing like a solo road trip to help you think things out. With cell phones and a few signal bars, you can even use the "phone a friend" lifeline and get another perspective… And Praying - I have the best conversations with God going 70 miles an hour down a lonely Texas or New Mexico highway.

I decide and plan and ask for discernment – hopefully not in that order! New scenery helps, but it's the enforced Quiet Time, the reality that I have to just sit there and drive, that helps me focus on what is important and what is real.

Today was a good day for a road trip – I needed the solitude. But inside the solitude, I tried to listen to what HE wants in my life… Lots to figure out.

New Look

2009-03-21T23:45:00.003-05:00

Hope you like my new look. In a past life, I designed brochures and ads and I don't often have the opportunity to use my design toys anymore. Let me know what you think!

Larissa's Birthday

2009-03-21T23:38:00.002-05:00

Friday night, I went to my friend Larissa's Birthday Party. Larissa is a true blessing in my life. She has a true heart for God and manages to make being a single mom of 3 kids look, if not easy, doable...

True Apology

2009-03-21T12:58:00.002-05:00

I am sorry.

Three very simple words, words with a tremendous amount of meaning when there is true feeling behind them. "I am sorry" can start healing, repair relationships and comfort.

But why is it that so often we feel that an explanation takes the place of apology?

It's because that's what we were taught as children. When I was a little girl, I remember my parents asking in exasperation "Why did you ----?" and I would struggle to tell them Why… mostly I would say "I don't know". The idea being that if I understood what it was that I did and why I did it, I wouldn't do it again. It's a concept that has validity and I've used it with my daughters. Sorrow and repentance comes after the explanation – but if you remember being a child, you remember that often your "Why" was taken as repentance and you weren't sorry at all.

As an adult, when you have done wrong, other people don't want an explanation, it is seen as justification, they want atonement and a sincere apology. After the apology, you might discuss the whys, but it is second to the sincere apology and contrite heart.

This is true even when you haven't done anything wrong – but someone else thinks you have. Sometimes we have to be humble enough to apologize for perceived wrongs.

As my daughters grow in maturity, I am working to break my daughters of the need to justify why they did what they did as they are apologizing. What I am looking for is the understanding of what they did and why it was wrong or perceived as wrong. It is a difficult job and like many lessons of parenting it will be solidified outside of the family.

Take care of your relationships - learn you to apologize without burden of justifying.

Fortune’s Cookie

2009-03-16T21:36:00.006-05:00

I love Fortune Cookies.

The family story is that when my mother was expecting me, she craved the crisp, thin cookies and that's why I like them so much.

When I was a girl, you got one fortune cookie per person. The cookie you picked determined your fortune and with that your destiny. There's a strategy… do you pick out your cookie or let others pick theirs and leave you with your true fortune? I was always a "pick" my cookie kind of girl. Nowadays, I let my girls pick my cookie.

I treated myself and my youngest to Chinese last Saturday. This restaurant has big bins of cookies (Confession: I'm afraid I'm abuser… which is probably why I ended up with a half dozen cookies in my purse at church on Sunday morning…)

I directed the youngest to go pick our fortunes. We have a game when opening the cookie – you have to do it at exactly the same time… One… Two… Crack! And then everyone takes turns reading the fortune.

One… Two… Crack!

"Mama, what does yours say?"

"Ginger"

"No, Mama! What does your fortune say?"

"You first"

"You will have an evening full of love and affection - Eeww!"
Note: As a young adult, I was introduced the game of saying the words "In Bed" after reading the fortune. While this is a playful game for adults, please refrain from teaching your children this game. It's disturbing on so many levels... Especially when your child get's a fortune like the one above.

"Mine says: It could be better, but it's good enough."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Really"

"That's weird"

"Yeah… Wanna open another one?"

"Okay… One… Two…"

I love Fortune Cookies.

Night

2009-03-14T15:40:00.001-05:00

A phone call from Dispatch at 5:30 in the morning can never be good. And the call I got this morning wasn't. Woken up from deep sleep, disoriented, my heart beating hard in my chest, I reached for the phone automatically. My sleepy "Hello" – was greeted with the news that my oldest's car had been vandalized and perhaps burglarized at the school parking lot (she'd left it there to go on a school trip).

Heart still beating hard, I got up, dressed and headed over in the dark to the school parking lot, praying all the time that it wouldn't be too bad. Liability insurance is all that I carry on the 8 year old car and anything that happened would be at my expense. Once I got there, I was very relieved to see that only the passenger window had been broken and peering into the dark interior illuminated by the officer's flashlight, I could see that the stereo was there – along with her Algebra II book.

The parking lot is only a couple of blocks away and so I drove my vehicle back to the house and walked back to get the car. Walking in the misty cold, I reflected how suddenly things change. I went to bed thankful that me and my girls were safe and secure and ended up walking in the dark praising God that the car was only a thing and that nothing really precious had been hurt…

This time when I crawled back in bed, I have to admit that I indulged a momentary flash of feeling sorry for myself – these are the times that being alone hits me the hardest… and that is when I remembered that I hadn't been alone, HE had been with me all night long. God is good and he takes good care of me and all that is mine.

Caught on Tape

2009-03-12T18:51:00.001-05:00

I get paid to be very good at technology, combined with my ability to present my company's accounting software in front of an audience. It's what I do when I'm not being Mama. Like all working mother's, I have two jobs, the one I get paid for and the one that drives why I work – my children.

This week I've been at home training on new software – software that I am already presenting all over the country. It's been a crazy week – cumulating in recorded presentations this afternoon – in front of, and critiqued by, my peers. I hate to hear my own voice – I really don't know how my friends/family can stand to listen to me. I also absolutely hate to do presentations in front of people I know. Throw in the added bonus of evaluation – you can imagine my stress level was through the roof.

I survived. Not only that, but I have even more confidence in my ability to do my job. Oh sure, it was very hard to be recorded and then watch that recording, but what I saw wasn't a nervous little girl, but a confident woman who knew her stuff. And I had a few mannerisms that I will shed (like why didn't anybody tell me I licked my teeth?), but all in all – the thing that I had been dreading, ending up being oddly uplifting – very uplifting!

That's the way it is with life. You hold on to your old insecurities without realizing that you are no longer that person. Life experiences, opportunities and other people have made me different. Less than two years ago, I expressed doubt in my ability and a friend told me that he'd realized in life that sometimes it was important to do the best job you can and quietly kick everyone's rear. Good simple advice and it became a sort of a motto for me.

It must have also become a habit somewhere along the line… 'cuz today I rocked!

I’m Back…

2009-03-08T20:01:00.004-05:00

I just got back from my trip – I had a great time. I definitely need to take more vacations!

The Camelback Inn and Spa Resort is fabulous. I got to hang out with two of my favorite people – my sister and best friend. We had such a great time!

The only hitch was this morning when we couldn't quite figure out what time it was. Since today is the first day of Daylight Savings and Arizona doesn't participate we didn't end up losing an hour – but we did wake up to our clocks showing different times depending on whether they had the auto-Daylight Savings time feature turned on. I'm still not sure if I got 6 hours of sleep last night or 7.

I think last night was my favorite night as we enjoyed our girl talk with my sister's IPod – filled with songs that took us back – playing in the background. Sharing favorite memories and some probably better forgotten – like the tomato that went splat at Cheerleading Camp. God is good for having blest me with a sister that is my best friend and a best friend that is truly a sister….

Vacation

2009-03-04T16:21:00.003-06:00

The ant is knowing and wise, but he doesn't know enough to take a vacation Clarence Day

I am going on vacation.

Okay, let's try that again. I'm going on Vacation!!!!

I am an ant. I've always been an ant… never a grasshopper. I'm the prodigal son's brother who stayed home. I'm Martha and not Mary.

I am all work and no play.

Maybe that's why I am having a hard time leaving my responsibilities behind and just go hang out by a pool. I earned it. I deserve it. And yet to enjoy the fruits of my labor seems awfully frivolous, especially since I have to leave my girls to do it. And let's face it, until very recently, vacationing meant a family trip and that meant lots of work… not much of a vacation!

So, I'm going on my first vacation in 4 years. I'm not taking any work with me and my girls are taken care of. So all I have to do is relax and hang-out. I do know how to do that… I just don't have much practice doing it at a nice hotel, in a warm sunny place.

Wish Me Luck…

BTW Vacation also means Vacation from blogging... I won't be posting for the next 5 days or so...

Independent Women

2009-03-03T15:50:00.002-06:00

Anyone that knows me knows that I am very independent. I've had to be. When you are a single mother, your children are growing up so fast and they need so much, there is no time for wringing your hands and saying "What am I going to do?" Doing right by your children – there isn't really a choice, but to forge ahead and make it work – no waiting for the Knight in shining armor!

What can be so the hard are offhand comments you get about your hard won independence. Comments like "I bet you are intimidating to guys" or "Men need to feel needed". Like being independent is the ultimate man repellant and maybe it is… I just haven't found it to be so. A woman that understands all the good things that the right man can bring to her life is very different from the Needy woman looking for a man that will save her, from her situation, her life.

A truly independent woman lives her life to the fullest, no matter what the circumstances.

Tea for Three/Movies for two

2009-03-02T17:03:00.003-06:00

The girls and I went to a Tea Party on Saturday. That sort of thing isn't usually… well, my cup of tea. But it was an event that the girls and I could do together. The youngest did not want to go. And she is going through the sweatshirt stage. But once we were there, she seemed have a good time. We each won a door prize – which never happens. I kept on thinking please let the youngest win – and she did – definitely helped with the attitude.

This is the third week in a row that the youngest had separate plans on Friday night. My oldest ended up at loose ends… "Everyone" was gone for baseball – and so we went to see "He's just not that into you". The youngest went to another movie and she said it was great – when I asked what it was about, she looked at me blankly and said "I don't know… I was texting the whole time" – Oh-Kay…

Someone once told me right around the time you can stand your teen, they go away to college. I didn't really get what they were saying at the time, but my oldest is actually acting human… and my youngest is a prickly alien. That is a total reversal from 2 or 3 years ago!

Getting out of the way

2009-02-26T15:43:00.008-06:00

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me. Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

I don't like to think I'm an "in your face" type of person. But what if I were standing in the way of someone else getting what they need out of life – Maybe not physically, but mentally or even worse, spiritually? Would my selfish ego need for them to choose me or my ways, my ideas - get in the way? Would I even notice that I was making it about me?

We all have those "Pick Me" moments… moments that are so full of need that we can taste it. We feel so hungry, so lonely, so unchosen. We need for them to pick us. Or sometimes we just know what the other person is suppose to do and so we make it our mission to convince them that our way is the right way.

Could the right thing be getting out of their way? We need to trust God to work in the other person's life. Let God guide them, without the distraction of us jumping up and down selfishly, childishly, screaming "PICK ME!!! or LISTEN TO ME!!!"

Don't get me wrong, I love being picked and listened to. But lately I've realized that the most powerful thing I can do is get out of the way.

Lost and False Rewards

2009-02-25T15:40:00.012-06:00

I know I tend to be pretty upbeat... but please just bear with me on this entry...

I've been reduced to listening to music on an Ipod Shuffle… downgraded from my Ipod Touch. The differences are extreme. I can only listen to music. No video. I can't pick what song I want to listen to - unless I want to scroll through all the songs until I find it. No making up cool playlists like "Christian" or "Rock" – I've got a jumble of songs and I think I added them alphabetically, so unless I decide to shuffle, it's be ABBA, The Bangles, Carrie Underwood, Guns and Roses…

The thing is it's my own carelessness that got me in this situation… I lost my Ipod Touch somewhere in Salt Lake City last week. I've called the airport, rental car company, airline and hotel… Nada. I retraced my steps in my mind and I unpacked my suitcase and briefcase at the gate – twice. Southwest told me that it might show up at Central Baggage in Dallas in the next 10 days…

Last week I was notified that I'm a Platinum member of American Airlines and I have "A" Status on SouthWest. Which means that I made over 90 flights in the last year. So now I can get on the plane first. Nice. (Yawn)

Next week, I get to go on my first vacation in 4 years... to a Golf Resort and I don't play Golf. They always go to the beach and we'll be in the desert. Which I grew up in... I have to leave my girls on a weekend and I don't feel very good about that.

Why do I feel a little like Charlie Brown on Halloween?

Why am I having this pity party? I am so blessed and I'm grouching about Ipods, travel and going on an all expense paid vacation. I am such a brat. Things are not important, the travel that I do and the vacation trip is because I have a job that many would love to have, it supports my family. My girls are healthy physically and emotionally. All I can say is that Satan steals your peace and your joy...

I WILL focus on Praising my God for all that he has done for me and my loved ones...

A Season for Change

2009-02-23T12:30:00.002-06:00

I save Friday nights for my girls. It used be the three of us, but lately it's been my youngest and I hanging out, with the oldest joining us if she doesn't have plans. Last Friday, my youngest and I were on our own because the oldest had gone to Ft. Worth to cheer.

I was planning on a quiet evening, I'd traveled all week and I was really very tired. But when I got home a little after five, my youngest greeted me with "They are all going to the movies tonight and I wasn't invited." – "They" being the other girls in the 8^th grade. As I changed into my comfy clothes, we had the 1, 908^th talk about it not being fair, but how not being included was all part of the Jr High experience – we can't be invited to everything and she's going through a tough time…

She was looking so dejected, I asked her if she want to go to the movies with me – We could go see another movie and have popcorn - it would be fun – just me and her. The more I talked, the more enthusiastic I got and suddenly I wasn't tired. I was going to go out with one of my favorite people – at least she is when she's not staring vacantly at me, rolling her eyes or snarling…

On the way over to the theater, she turned to me and asked "Mama, if I see my friends, can I go to the movie with them?"

My youngest can be so oblivious to social cues and I didn't want her to be snubbed a second time. So I told her "No, I don't think that would be a good idea. They didn't asked you – and you don't want to feel awkward."

That's when she told me that while she hadn't been specifically invited, it had been more of an open invitation. She looked at me so hopefully, I agreed to "See what happens when we get there" - that way I'd be able to assess the situation. When we got there, she immediately spotted the group and told me that I didn't have to go to the movie anymore… she didn't want me to have to go the movies by myself… Oh, and could she have money? The girls waved at her and called out her name, so I gave her a ten and she was out the door… Just because I could, I then embarrassed her horribly by rolling down the window and calling her back to give her instructions for after the movie.

I drove off and called the only person I know that would be available to hang out with me… my single mom friend with 3 young kids and a firm 8 o'clock bedtime. We hung out until it was time to pickup the youngest.

Things are changing - my daughters are moving on into the world. They got things to do and people to see. And for the first time in almost 18 years, I'm finding myself at loose ends on a Friday night. Very Strange...

Over-Blogging

2009-02-20T15:46:00.001-06:00

Have I taken this blogging thing too far?

Before the intervention gets scheduled… I am trying to decide whether I should stop one of my blogs. I consider mselainaeous to be my main blog, so I would stop writing singledout. One of the reasons I have two is that being single and dating is such a small portion of my life – with specific concerns and challenges. Mselainaeous is a good place to put my random thoughts – okay, very random thoughts!

Love to have some feedback on this -

100 Days

2009-02-18T10:45:00.003-06:00

Its 100 days until my oldest graduates from High School…

I know what you are thinking… What kind of person makes a quick formula in Excel to see how many days are left until her child graduates? What kind of mind does it take to even think about that sort of thing? And why did you wonder that last night – when it was 101 days?

I don't know… I guess that's just me.

I'm working through a great deal during this transition time. I love my girls so much and it's a great joy to be their mother. In the next 100 Days, I'm going to list 100 things that I want my daughters to know for sure…

You can find my list at I want my daughters to know

The Story about Max

2009-02-16T13:54:00.014-06:00

Funny thing about divorce, you get cut out of the albums and history. This story was told on one of my ex-brother-in-law's blog – and I was not mentioned... Thought I'd tell it from my perspective. And besides, I got the pictures!

Before Purdy, there was Max. I got him for my 24 th birthday… Or more exactly, we used my birthday as an excuse to buy a fluffy white Miniature American Eskimo. BK (Before Kids) he was our pride and joy – a truly beautiful dog. We'd get stopped on the street so that people could ask about him and admire him. Unfortunately, after the oldest was born, we didn't have as much time for Max and wash or brush him like we had BK.

Geoff's youngest brother was getting married and we offered to have a family brunch at our house. When another of his brothers got to our house, he took one look at Max, shook his head and told us that we were going to have to get Max groomed because their grandmother, a dog breeder and aunt, a dog groomer would both freak if they saw poor Max looking so scruffy. Agreeing, I found a groomer in the yellow pages (remember before Google?) and took Max to them with the plan to pick him up in a couple of hours after I ran some errands.

I got back to the groomers and they led this odd looking dog out with these blue bows on its head. I must have had a puzzled look on my face, because they told me in Spanish that it was my dog. I just looked down and said "Max?" and that's when I saw that the dog's face looked a bit like Max… Turns out that while I was out, the groomer called the house (remember before cell phones?) and asked Geoff if he'd wanted them to brush him out for $50 or shave for $25. Geoff took the cheaper option.

When I got Max home, Max bounded out of the car and Geoff and his brother took one look at him and started laughing and laughing. Even though I was ticked at what had been done to my dog, I had to join in. My oldest was 2 at the time, and kept on saying (with hand motions) - "Max got shaved all over his body!"

I think laughed all summer long, every time I looked at poor Max.

Purdy and Me

2009-02-13T13:09:00.013-06:00

Two years ago this month, I got suckered into getting a dog. Not just any dog, but the dog that would be known as Purdy, a 2 year old Border Collie/English Setter Mix. Purdy is a Diva Dog with a heart shaped spot on her side and a pleasant personality.

I was ambivalent to say the least. I love dogs and wanted my girls to have one – but really didn't need another living, breathing thing to take care of. So I made my girls wait until they were old enough to take care of the dog. That part has worked out pretty well.

We love Purdy… But she can be a very bad dog.

There was the time she ate all the good cupcakes before the birthday party and I ended up serving the tiny, half risen rejects…

Or the time she slipped her collar and went over to "love on" the little Asian lady's dog and the lady thought her dog was being attacked, so she started wailing at the top of her lungs and wouldn't stop – not that we could stop and make sure she was okay - we had to chase Purdy who'd runned off…

Chasing Purdy was a game that we played many, many times until the gates were fixed – getting calls in the middle of the night or once when we were out of town…

She's an outside dog that hates being outside and stands on the tiny window ledge whining and staring at us until we let her in… or scratching at the door…

She's taught several dogs to scratch on the door and enticed others to run away.

Once we left her in the laundry room and she shredded several shirts… one so badly that I had to reconstruct the 1 and 2 inch strips to figure out just which top had been destroyed.

She howls during Guitar Hero - which kinda hurts the ego

Purdy has calmed down quite a bit over the last couple of years, although she still likes a good chase. The youngest has somehow taught her to stand on her haunches like a chipmunk, she's very quiet, never barks except when there's someone/thing she needs to warn us about, and always up for a walk… What can I say? She's part of the family...

What does Okay look like?

2009-02-09T21:00:00.003-06:00

It will be all fine in the end and if it's not fine, it's not the end.

Today, I overheard two women talking about the difficult time that one of them were going through. I didn't hear about what she was experiencing but she caught my attention with this – "It's going to be Okay, I just don't know what Okay looks like."

I know how she feels – I have the optimism and faith to know that things are going to work out, I just don't know how they are going to work out and what it's going to look like when it is all "Okay".

Ruthless Trust

2009-02-06T16:52:00.003-06:00

I used to think that I was in need of clarity in my faith. I needed to understand God. I was in desperate need of answers to Why? Why do bad things happen?

When the shadow of Jesus' cross falls across our lives in the form of failure, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, unemployment, loneliness, depression, the loss of a loved one, when we are deaf to everything but the shriek of our own pain, when the world around us suddenly seems a hostile, menacing place – at those times we may cry out in anguish, "How could a loving God permit this to happen?" At such moments the seeds of distrust are sown. It requires heroic courage to trust in the love of God no matter what happens to us.

Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin's Path to God by Brennan Manning

The last couple of months have been bittersweet. I've experienced a great deal of Pain and a great deal of Joy. I have had my Hope crushed and yet I still find myself holding on to Trust in Him. I will not bow to Satan's temptation to distrust my God. He has been very good to me and I have been blessed in so much.

I have so much that I could be worried about – so many things are unknown. But this I know for sure – Trusting in God and his plan for me is the only way I'm going to get through this uncertain time. As I say goodbye to my oldest's childhood and hello to my youngest growing up… As I say goodbye to some of my dreams and hello to opportunities I can't even conceive of... As I say goodbye to being frustrated and hello to peace…

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. Matthew 6:27-29

Senior Night

2009-02-03T22:26:00.009-06:00

Today was a big day for me and my oldest. We went and picked out her senior pictures. I know I'm very proud, but she is so photogenic - we started out with 50 and had to narrow those down. It was so hard!

Tonight was the last home basketball game of the season. That meant it was Senior Night.

I remember these awkward boys and girls and now they have all turned into beautiful young women and men...

I got a very nice yellow rose and a chance to "stand up" for my daughter... Which was very cool - I am her biggest fan. BTW My youngest took this great picture of us - with my camera that I haven't quite figured out.

Tonight I can truly say that I feel blessed. No matter that there are other areas in my life that are definately not as I would like and I have no way of changing them, I can still look at my girls and know that they are turning out...

This is the good stuff.

Mselainaeous This and That

2009-02-02T16:32:00.006-06:00

I started following a blog a couple of weeks ago - Adam's Wedding Dress. If you are divorced, this is a great resource site. Even if you aren't divorced, at least check out the site for the story on how the blog got it's name...

Last week I ended up having to reformat my home computer and start over with factory settings - I hadn't been able to just restore to an earlier version. This would have been a horrible tragedy, except that I'd been backing up on a 2nd portable harddrive. So take it from me... don't forget to backup and if you have a lot of pictures and music, buy a 2nd harddrive to copy your data onto...

Did you know if you give blood with United Blood Services they also track your cholesterol level? After you've given, you can log onto their site and lookup or enter your donor number - you'll be directed a page that shows dates of your donations and cholesterol numbers. I'm good at around 180...

If you are interested info on your heart or tracking your Cholesterol and Blood Pressure, a cool site is Heart360 which uses MicroSoft HealthVault. I've signed on and found that I can add the girls so now I have a place to put the girls shot records online so I won't lose them. Well, I'll be able to as soon as I find the shot records...

25 Random Things

2009-01-30T13:49:00.016-06:00

I was tagged today on facebook… There are actually two ways you can get tagged on FB, on is when you are in a picture that is posted and your name is added to who's in the picture… The second is like those emails that we get where we are suppose to answer questions about what we like and dislike – or figure out what our Star Wars name (Canela) or Witness Protection name (shhh… don't tell anyone but it would be Marie Brackett).

Amy has taken to FB like a fish in water (92 friends) and tagged me with the latter, so here are 25 Random Things about me…

I am the oldest

I was almost named Christina

I've never broken a bone

I have a tattoo

ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) is a personality trait in my family

I'm a New Mexico State Aggie

I'd rather the guy drove and I really like it when he opens the door…

At 19, I promised myself diamond stud earrings for my 40^th birthday, I still don't have them

I'm a peas before dessert kinda girl

I hate peas

I am terribly, absolutely, unreasonably scared of rodents

I was born in the OC, but was moved to New Mexico at 6 days old

I was 3 weeks late when I was born

I wipe peanut butter off the knife with a paper towel – I've met only one other person who also does this

I hyperventilate when I think about walking down the aisle (The marriage I could handle)

I've had the same best friend for 33 years

My roommate in college wanted to murder me in my sleep, but now loves me…

I remember birthdays – not saying I give presents or cards, I just remember them…

From age 12 to 17, I lived a half block from a bar, a block from another bar & a half block from the RR tracks

My first kiss was after a horseback ride (we rode double), I was 14

I have a thing for blond guys from Texas (Matthew, Patrick & ...)

I've had braces twice

My favorite fancy meal is steak

I accomplished everything I planned on in life by age 30

I really haven't had a plan since

Livin’ Large Online

2009-01-29T14:54:00.007-06:00

I'm addicted to my online life.

Three months ago, I received an invitation to join FaceBook from my dear friend in Colorado. After consulting my oldest and making sure that she was okay with me joining – because FaceBook has traditionally been for the High School and College set, I took the plunge… into a delightful online world of friends.

Friends are other people on FaceBook that are part of your network. I like it better because it's not as shady as the other one. I have "friended" a modest amount… people that I know or have known - a total of 25 after 3 months of being online. Contrast that with my friend, Amy, who was seemingly reluctant to join, but now has 89 friends - and it's only been 6 days. I think she was planning that coup dʼétat for a long time (Amy likes words like coup dʼétat).

I've connected with long lost friends. So far, I've gotten back in touch with a girl that I cheered with in HS, a college friend from my LCC days, and several other dear friends that I'd lost contact with. I enjoy the status updates… especially from Amanda, who used to babysit for me when my oldest was a baby (my two favorites: Amanda is not so good with the advice. Can she perhaps interest you in a sarcastic comment? & Amanda is so tired she has resorted to clichéd hyperbole.). I'm not quite that clever but enjoy telling people things like Elaina is in Detroit. And it's COLD! – it comforts me to think someone knows where I am… and that I'm freezing.

My other online addiction are my blogs. I like to write and blogging is a good outlet. Thank you for reading… all 9 of you! BTW If you haven't joined my blog reader group on FaceBook, please do! I need one more to be part of the Beta group.

Temporary Motto and Random Thoughts

2009-01-27T23:02:00.005-06:00

Like the South, Vampires, and Britney Spears, I will rise again.

That's a paraphrase from last week's SNL… it struck me funny at the time and it just got stuck in my head – I've kinda adopted it as my temporary motto.

Am I the only one that going for the Arizona Cardinals to win the Superbowl? I haven't watched any games but I just like Kurt Warner. Actually, I probably won't even watch the Superbowl… but I hope they win.

I will be going to the new Star Trek movie when it opens in May... That's right, I like Star Trek and I don't care if all three of the people that read my blog knows it!

Bangs are now in and now I have followed suit and had Tina give me bangs yesterday. It's the first time in many, many years and I think I like them…

Oh, and it's been mentioned that I am not "average" – which how I described myself in my profile when I changed it yesterday. Thank you! I appreciate that vote of confidence. I guess I was feeling a little average when I tried to re-word my profile and came up with nothing – but I'd erased what I had before.

So for now, I've changed it to my temporary motto and a picture of me with my new bangs…

Brad Paisley Concert

2009-01-26T11:10:00.004-06:00

Sometimes you get the opportunity to do something fun and that's what I got to do last night…

A friend of a friend had tickets to the Brad Paisley concert – I have an eclectic taste in music and enjoy country now and then – always have, just don't like to make a big deal about it.

I had so much fun!!! We had great seats. Darius Rucker and Dierks Bentley opened for him. Darius Rucker better known as "Hootie" from Hootie and the Blowfish started things off – got some songs to download off of iTunes. And what can I say about Dierks Bentley? I'll always be a "Feel that Fire" kinda girl!

The best part… walking out of the United Spirit arena and getting into our vehicle parked in the reserved parking…

So here's a shout out to my good friend Kim and my new BFF Elaine (Elaine not Elain – a)- thanks for a wonderful evening!

Happy Birthday Mike

2009-01-25T14:13:00.001-06:00

My daughter Samantha asked me what the date was this morning in church. When I told her it was January 25^th, I felt a little flash of recognition. Today would have been Mike's 47^th birthday.

Mike's death was unexpected and my first experience with the death of a good friend. I was devastated. I'd met Mike in college and we had the opportunity to catch up with each other after my divorce. Throughout my first months in Lubbock, he kept me sane during a very dark time with his positive no nonsense attitude. He was a very good friend. During the spring of 2003, he was dying and he didn't know it. I never got the chance to say goodbye.

Mike's last gift to me was his mother. When I met her at Mike's house just after I heard the news, I blurted out, "I've been waiting 20 years to meet you". I had – Mike loved his mother very much and always spoke very fondly of her. She has an amazing, generous spirit and she passed it on to her son. Her generosity was apparent when she took me under her wing for a bit and gave me the opportunity to grieve for him, to say goodbye, even though I know it was not easy for her.

I have an unusual talent for remembering birthdays. I like birthdays. They are the day that a person came to be on this earth. From the day we are born, we are forming friendships and family ties. We were made to be known. Mike was one of the few people in the world that I have been able to call a soul mate – a person that you just "get" and they "get" you.

Today, I honor Mike's birthday and his life.

A Friend is

2009-01-24T07:59:00.011-06:00

My Mother gave me a book of poems, To My Daughter with Love, by Susan Polis Schutz after my oldest was born. I recognised it because it was her book - it sat on her nightstand. During a move, I packed it away and only found it recently. As I thumbed through it, I found notes about her thoughts and hopes for my future and my daughters futures. I'd forgotten that she did that.

This reminded me of the friendship that you and Cris have, the friendship that Janet and I have. How lucky we are to have these dear people in our lives! Love, Mama

A friend is
someone who is concerned
with everything you do

A friend is
someone to call upon
during good and bad times

A friend is
someone who understands
whatever you do

A friend is
someone who tells you
the truth about yourself

A friend is
someone who knows
what you are going through
at all times

A friend is
someone who does not
compete with you

A friend is
someone who is genuinely happy
for you when things go well

A friend is
someone who tries to
cheer you up when
things don't go well

A friend is
an extension of yourself
without which
you are not complete

Susan Polis Schutz

Deliberate Parenting

2009-01-23T11:29:00.004-06:00

Note: Having a graduating senior in the house has made me think about how we got to this point in time. This is my second reflection on what I learned/know about parenting.

I always knew that I was going to be a mother, but I was never one of those girls that were attracted to babies or children for that matter. I don't remember playing house beyond the age of about 7. I do remember playing dress-up, climbing trees, building tree houses, riding bikes – and of course, playing Barbies.

When I thought about what it would be like to be a mother, I imagined me in a business suit and heels while I kissed my sticky faced toddler goodbye, handing her over to daycare… it was what I knew – my mother always worked. I've had those times, but I've also had lots of reading bedtime stories and hearing prayers, wiping noses and kissing boo-boos, miles of pushing a stroller, skipping and singing, and walking with a teenager as she figures out life… and motherhood wouldn't be complete without the disgusting stuff in my hair and on my clothes, making you wonder if you'd ever be attractive or even presentable again. It wasn't what I imagined, but it was real. And throughout my girl's growing up, I have always been there, no matter what – just like my own mother was.

It may take a village to raise most children, but my girls have been raised by a small, multicultural country! My girl's father, step-mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles and various caregivers have all contributed to their upbringing. I have been the one constant in their lives and a great deal of the integrity, ethics, morals, values they end up with will have been up to me. I've always instinctively understood that, but as my girls grow closer to adulthood, that responsibility has increasingly weighed heavily on my shoulders.

I couldn't do it without my heavenly Father. I am very human and have made many, many mistakes in parenting my girls. As I knew better, I did better. And thank goodness, children are generally pliable, washable and forgiving! God is good and so far, with his guidance and blessing, I've had the skills and resources that I've needed as we've passed through each stage. I may not have parented with the grace and style that I imagined I would, but I have done it with a single-minded love for my girls and a desire to see them grow up as responsible Christian women.

When you are a single parent, you have two households and different rules. Children are smart and adaptable – they can accommodate two sets of rules. But you have to make sure you are consistent, deliberate. Just like in two parent homes, children will try to pit one parent against each other to get their way. Knowing that your little darling is capable of doing that is important. It's best, and easier, if you have a good rapport with the other parent, but if you don't, consistency in your life and in your parenting is your best defense. Knowing where a parent stands and knowing that they won't budge on certain things, makes the runaround a lot more difficult to pull off.

Never let them see you sweat, unless it's to your advantage…

You have to know where you want to end up when parenting. If you want responsible, respectful, adult children, you have to give them chores and not accept a great deal of back talk. If you want confident children, you have to show them that you are there, no matter what, not to do things for them but to be there cheering them on as they try. Life has become so busy that we often schedule more than we parent. If you want a child who isn't stressed out, you have to slow down and take time to just be – children learn what they are shown.

And always, always be a soft place to land… Because the world's a scary place and you want them to be able to come home… Just not for long periods of time once they're adults!

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
Psalm 68:5

5 things I’ve learned about Parenting

2009-01-21T19:30:00.005-06:00

5 lessons learned, mostly from friends and family…

Don't worry about her doing that! Usually when they stop one thing, they move on to something worse… Ms. Karen was my oldest's first babysitter and a woman who became a mentor to me – a nervous, gonna-do-everything-just-right, first time mommy. She was so right, as we move from stage to stage, the stakes get higher and the rules change, making it necessary to learn a whole new game.
Even children with terminal cancer need to be disciplined sometime… My sister told me this at a time that I was worn out and basically functioning on auto-pilot. Life had been rough on me and my two babies and I didn't have the heart or the strength to come down hard on them. It was time for me to dig deep and do the right thing, give them structure and discipline. I've never regretted it.
Don't talk so much… A guy I was going out with pointed out the simple fact that what I thought of as explaining, was really giving them a chance to backtalk and argue… getting us nowhere. So simple and so freeing!
Me Do It! My oldest told me this when I was trying to force much needed medicine down her throat – she was less than two. I handed the medicine spoon to her and she knocked it back like a pro. I have since found that standing back and letting them try and do is wonderful for their self-esteem and they accept responsibility. That's how my oldest became a great cook, my youngest got into Jr Honor Society, in spite of her ADHD.
Let them do it three times and it will be a lot harder to break… The first time, you can be surprised, the second time, you'd better stop it, or the behavior will be very difficult to break. This little gem is mine. I learned this when my oldest was a baby and it's been consistently true – even with teenagers. I recently forgot this and it was very difficult to get a handle on. I could have saved myself, my child, and the other people affected, a lot of difficulty and heartache.

Unfortunate Gifting

2009-01-19T11:25:00.010-06:00

Christmas is over, even the diehards, time-starved, and/or lazy people have put up their decorations. Only 340 more days to find that perfect gift for that perfect someone…

Recently, my oldest and I were talking about how it's so much more important Who the gift is from than the actual gift. If you love that person, you are happy that they thought enough of you to give something to you. I know that some people feel that being able to pick out your gift is a good idea. I disagree, that takes out the thrill of surprise – which is the best part!

I can't believe you gave me something this ugly! I love it!!!

Remember when Kitschy Kountry outdoor decorations were popular? We all got one that Kristmas.

Grounded

2009-01-16T23:01:00.011-06:00

I've been grounded and now I have to clean the garage…

This week started out with a stand-off with my youngest. I won. With a "take no prisoners" attitude and the help of Miss Bessie.

Last night, another standoff ended with me being grounded… Well, the youngest is grounded, but that means that I am too. Because we are in this together.

I don't ground very often. I save grounding for the most serious of transgressions, the kind that means that my parenting needs to be more hands on, more focused. And the offense is different for each of my daughters. If there is anything that having more than one child will teach a parent is each, is very different with very different motivations. And each age has its charms and its drawback.

She was willing to trade a trip to Dallas and shopping for a weekend with no computer, garage cleaning… and of course, me.

My youngest, 13 going on 30, has discovered the need to assert through defiance. She has never enjoyed being a child – which means that she really needs a mother that understands. I think God gave me that responsibility, in all likeliness, because I was not unlike her when I was her age.

So this weekend, I'll be grounded with my youngest. And I can't think of another person I'd rather be with.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. Psalm 68:5

Imperfection

2009-01-15T17:53:00.004-06:00

There are people that must have perfection. I am not one of them – I know I live a flawed existence. And with teenagers, if I forget, they remind me...

During my tour of New Mexico this week, I spent the 1^st night in Las Cruces. Las Cruces is the one place where I have lived more than 7 years... non-consecutively. (Note: A little piece of elainatrivia - I graduated from kindergarten, got my BBA and MBA from New Mexico State University).

While in the area, I stopped at the Nambe store in Mesilla. Mesilla is an old New Mexican village with quaint overpriced shops and restaurants. I selected a spiral wine server from the Second's shelf. On inspection, there was a very small area of pitting, barely noticeable. At check out, the saleswoman pointed it out to me and asked me if I could live with it or did I want one that was perfect? I told her "I have children, its fine" and purchased the flawed item.

When you have children, you discover that things get broken, scratched or worked over. Even when you have girls that aren't "hard" on things like I do. Purchasing something that is already flawed at a discount is just good money management – and it also helps you keep your sanity. Because believe me, when 'Idunno' or 'Ididint' leaves a stain or a scratch or something just falls off… it's a lot easier when you aren't financially or emotionally invested in perfection.

*For those of you not familiar with Nambe, it's a line of platters, dinnerware, vases, etc… that's made from a special silver metal alloy. The designs are very simple but very beautiful. Brides in New Mexico know that they have received something very special when someone gives them Nambe as a wedding gift.

Baby Love

2009-01-12T21:55:00.004-06:00

I got to hold a tiny baby today! It's been forever since I've held a tiny baby and this baby was really special. My cousin's baby.

It was a good day to hold a baby, because I had a particularly bad morning with my youngest. 13 is a difficult age and she really tested me. Everything worked out in the end, but holding a tiny baby reminded me what a blessing babies are – even at 13.

Holding my new little cousin, she fit perfectly in my arms… just like my daughters did. Like they still do.

Celebrating New Life

2009-01-10T06:24:00.004-06:00

I went to a birthday party earlier this week. There was the usual cake and decorations, but there was something unusual about this party: We were celebrating the 1st birthday of new souls that were reborn through baptism over the last year.

Last year, my youngest was celebrated. She chose to get baptised on her physical and her spiritual birthday.

Most of the celebrants were like my youngest, just starting their walk. Their happy faces shining with promise. There were a few that were older, having felt the death of a life lived with no hope and the new hope of being reborn in Jesus.

It was a great, wonderful celebration.

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. Romans 6:3-5

"Muddy Water" by Trace Adkins (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJ26CGx34sk)

My Daughter's Dating Rules

2009-01-07T15:56:00.004-06:00

I have two teenage daughters. I have been a teenage daughter. It's tricky negotiating those first years of girl-meets-boy. So it's important to spell everything out. Here are some of the rules that I've come up with for my daughters and the boys that like them.

Girls in this house do not call Boys. 'nuf said.
You are not allowed to Talk* to any boy that is more than 1 year older than you are. If he's older than that, Mama will assume that you enjoy us older folks and we'll be spending a lot more time with each other…**
No dating until you are 16. That includes Talking.
Do not Date Exclusively. However, the boy should date only you until you are done with him.
Life is not a Halloween party. You are only allowed to show-off one body part at time. Mama suggests the Brain.
He will come to the door when he picks you up. That way, we can watch him from behind the blinds.
You must make him wait 5 minutes before coming out. However after 10 minutes, Mama will assume that you want to stay in and will get out the dominos.
No Touching or Kissing on the First Date. Let's make that "Until you are married".
The Cell Phone is to be answered at all times. If you don't answer your cell, Mama will come find you. In her comfy clothes and slippers… Or maybe a mini-skirt.
He will walk you to the door at the end of the date. See "He will come to the door" above.

*Talk – The 1st stage of what we used to call "liking" each other. The stage just before "goin' out".

** This rule is lifted when they go to college because you have to date older to make up for the maturity difference… Actually you can never make up for the maturity difference, but you can't tell a college girl who to date. You may be able to make them change colleges…

Blah-Blah-Blog

2009-01-06T14:17:00.010-06:00

Blogging – Never Before Have So Many People with So Little to Say Said So Much to So Few http://www.despair.com

I have this huge, huge desire to write and yet I am blocked. I think the reason is that I am actually pretty Zen*. I am content with my lot in life – as the old joke goes, "It's not a lot, but it's my life". Nothing really cool has happened to me lately. I am trying to respect my daughters' and friends' privacy and besides they never do anything cute anymore – (the kids, my friends are as adorable as ever).

That means that I really don't have anything to write about. Think I'm exaggerating? Here's a sampling of from my Real Life – no blog topics here.

I have one daughter with one foot out the door and one daughter that I'm seriously thinking about enrolling in military school or the debate team. I have a dog that has been secretly getting on my couch when we were nice enough to keep her inside because it was so cold. I tried to pass off Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms as dinner last night (it didn't work, we had spaghetti). I had a pretend boyfriend, but he thought I was calling too much. My Daddy told me I wasn't calling enough. No one at the office wanted me on their Biggest Loser team (that's pretty cool actually). My oldest recently pointed out that it was odd that I knew all the words to "Centerfold" (Good thing it wasn't AC/DC on the radio). My biggest accomplishment in the last two weeks has been watching 18 hours of The Closer (which Rocks BTW). My oldest daughter has finally accepted me as a friend on facebook and mySpace. I started exercising yesterday and I'm a little sore (it's January, "duh"). And I think it's really neat that 60 is the new 30.

In other words, I am your average, everyday, sane-psycho 40-something single mom. Getting by. Day by tedious day…

Now that I think about it, it's a pretty Wonderful Life. No Drama. Just catching my breath for the next wave...

*Zen: Elaina's way of saying mellow, a word that she hates, probably because it was way overused when she was much younger. Other words to describe her mood would be peaceful, serene or tranquil... (if you know Elaina, you know peaceful, serene and tranquil are probably exaggeration, but she liked those words when she saw them in the SpellCheck Thesaurus).

It Is Well

2009-01-04T23:17:00.008-06:00

This morning, we sang my favorite hymn, "It Is Well with My Soul".

An old song, it was written by a man whose name I had to look up – Horatio Spafford. I had heard the story behind the hymn before, a man financially devastated, had lost his son and on a trip that was supposed to be a getaway, his four daughters drowned. His wife telegraphed him the words, "Saved Alone". As he was on his way by ship to bring his wife home, he was inspired to write the words.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

The words touching me to my very core, my very soul, tears in my eyes and my voice not very strong is how I sing the old hymn. The first time I found comfort in the simple words "It is well with my soul", I had just miscarried and was feeling so dejected – maybe I would never be a mother… and the words were a reminder of the important and a promise for the future.

"Whatever my lot"

Death of a mother, marriage, close friends, as well as sin, rejection, financial struggles… I have experience many difficulties and still "It is well with my soul"

Tonight my heart is heavy – I have a very good friend that is dying. I do not understand. I don't think I will this side of heaven.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

Buying the Lie

2009-01-02T12:19:00.008-06:00

Five years ago, if you had asked me to tell you one thing that I knew to be true it would have been: Relationships end. Whether you want them to or not.

As sad as that belief was for me, as much as the very idea tormented me, I was very comfortable with my viewpoint - confident even. I truly believed that once you get that figured out, when people leave (and they will always leave, willingly or not), you can't get hurt because you expected it.

I Bought The Lie.

I didn't always own that Lie. I'd owned different ones before. Common ones like "If I'm successful, I'll be happy", "If I just lose 10 pounds, I'll be prettier" and my personal favorite "Nothing bad is going to happen as long as I am good."

We buy The Lie when we attempt to deal with the hurt places in our hearts by logic rather than healing. The Lie can take only a moment – that moment when a voice inside your head whispers your worst fear or insecurity… "No one cares about me" or "If you had been good, this wouldn't have happened". Our minds then efficiently looks for proof that The Lie is truth. Using our own experiences and other's Lies or experiences, we become convinced and The Lie becomes stronger and harder to break. We buy The Lie to give ourselves freedom from hurt and yet The Lie becomes a prison that stops us from fully enjoying the life that we were blessed with.

Healing comes from Above. Before we have a chance to buy The Lie, before our hearts harden with simple logic, we need to seek The One that understands our struggles and heals us. This is the easiest way to stop The Lie - before it has a chance to get it's spikes in the heart.

But there are times when we have bought The Lie and it is entrenched in our lives. Those Lies are much harder to rid ourselves of and it takes conscious effort and God's healing to let go of them.

Sometimes, we find ourselves tormented by The Lie, when things happen that show The Lie for what it is and it gets harder and harder to hold on to…. I believe that God allows that to happen to free us from our bondage. Because that is what The Lie is – bondage to the Father of Lies, Satan.

What Lies have you bought?

"I'm not smart (pretty, talented, educated, young, old) enough."

"I've got teenagers (four kids, a sick mother)… no one is going to want to marry me and take that on."

"God doesn't get involved in our daily lives"

"If I let someone do something for me, I'll owe them – and I don't want to owe anybody"

"I'll never get married"

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:7-9

Christmas Present

2008-12-25T22:42:00.014-06:00

This morning, Santa arrived with a West Texas accent and driving a red Chevy pickup.

His visit was short, but he didn't come empty handed. Today's newspaper, bearing the headline "Merry Christmas" and breakfast in the form of Hostess cinnamon rolls – the best that Circle K had to offer – were his gifts. As he left, he spoke of hope.

Back in my quiet house, I turned on the television. The first words from the dark screen were "Hope is genuinely real."

Hope. It is something that can be in short supply. Disappointment, frustration and regret are all tools that Satan uses to steal our hope.

Starting this holiday season, I knew there was something that I needed to learn. What I learned was simple: We need to trust the Day. Trust Christmas. Trust the God that gave His Son - God's gift to the world. Know that there will be bad times and good times - but no matter what, we can always look to Him.

Trust. Faith. Hope. Peace. Joy. Gifts of the Season - of the Day.

Trust the Day. Trust the Gift.

Merry Christmas.

Give: Pray

The Ghost of Christmas Eves Past – Holiday Memory #23

2008-12-24T23:42:00.003-06:00

It's just before midnight on Christmas Eve and it's one of my favorite times of the entire season. Children are asleep, the presents for Christmas morning are all wrapped, Santa gifts ready for the children to discover and it's time for reflection… The room softly lit by the lights on the tree and other soft decorative lights…. maybe a fire in the fireplace and of course, music is playing softly – an eclectic mixture of my favorite Christmas songs.

I'm exhausted. But happy. Tonight we had Mexican food – unless it was a year that we tried something different like the year we did Cajun food. Mama tried again to make divinity and it just didn't turn out - but we had plenty of homemade candy anyway. Grandmommy's gifts were a hit – we all got similar gifts, depending on what she decided this year. And more than likely, Papa fell asleep in the middle of floor while we were still talking… Cousin's and children of cousin's all over the place - we are a large group - and yet I still remember when there were only 13 of us...

The evening came and went so quickly and now it's time to go to bed and be ready for the girls to wake. Christmas Day is almost here.

Christmas Cards Pt 2 - Holiday Memory #22

2008-12-23T20:36:00.015-06:00

When I'm deciding what to do for our Christmas card, I have a loose idea on what I want it to end up like. Here's this year's Christmas card and the two years prior. I've included a little background. One of the bonuses of a yearly Christmas card getting to see how much your children change over the year...

Christmas 2008

My idea for this year's card came from a Christmas card I'd seen year before from one of my friends. The idea was to spell J - O - Y with our hands, but I kept on messing up the "O" so I ended up acting out the "O". I also was orginally going to do the "J" but it was too crooked to tell what it was...

Christmas 2007

I had the idea for a series of frames - kind of like a film roll. Once we got started taking pictures the girls really got creative. The 2nd picture came about when we ended up with 2 Santa Hats and one Elf Hat. The oldest said "I'll pretend to be angry that you got the Santa Hats". After a couple of those shots, we got so tickled that we just died laughing... and the 3rd shot came about (it's my favorite).

Christmas 2006

This picture is one of my favorites. I love how our eyes really shine.

You can't tell, but I had to do some editing to get this one right. I liked one shot of the youngest and I liked another shot with the oldest and me... So I photo-shopped them together.

Caroling – Holiday Memory # 21

2008-12-22T22:50:00.002-06:00

People don't carol like they used to – go from house to house, ringing the doorbell and singing a Christmas carol for the enjoyment of the residents. I'm not sure if it ever was custom in our small New Mexico town to carol, but for a few short years, my sister, brother and me along with my best friend and various other friends brought the tradition back.

I can't remember how we even got started, so I asked my best friend and sister. My best friend said that maybe it was my sister. My sister said it might have been my best friend but it absolutely wasn't her… Maybe it was Mama. I don't know who it was who first have the idea or why we would even have considered going out singing Christmas carols. But we did and I remember having a lot of fun. Partially because we weren't usually allowed to walk around town after dark and but also because our caroling was very well received by our audience – the elderly of our town (which is one of the reasons we think it was my mother's idea).

The worst part was walking up to the house and deciding which song to sing. We really only knew the first verse of a few songs. Jingle Bells, Deck the Halls, Frosty the Snowman, Silent Night, and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (once we remembered the intro), were staples… A song like Joy to the World or Little Drummer Boy would usually end in a fade away around the 3^rd line so we didn't branch out much.

At the end of our song selection, our patient audience would clap and say thank you and we would be on our way. Rehearsals were held on the fly – while we were going to the next house. Sometimes we were offered a cookie – which we liked a lot, except it made us thirsty.

After a few years, we got too cool to carol - and we disbanded. I still only know the first verse of a few Christmas carols, but I sing them loudly and proudly, remembering my glory days as a caroler.

Give: Go with a group to sing carols and spread Christmas cheer at a nursing home.

Reflections on the Season

2008-12-22T14:54:00.007-06:00

In times like these, you appreciate the important things in life. Like taking for granted the important things in life.

Now don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

Big Yellow Taxi, Counting Crows

We have a huge capacity to take things for granted. We stop paying attention or giving value to something because it's so familiar. And then like spoiled children we cry when it's taken away. Christmas has lost its sparkly luster because as adults we no longer project the wonder and mystery into the season that we did as children.

At the beginning of this month, I gave myself the task of remembering a different Holiday Memory each day. I had the realization that I was going to be totally alone during the Holidays. No relationship, no children, no family. When we go through the difficult, we need to ask ourselves what is it that God wants me to learn. I can't be sure exactly what God wants me to take away from this time – but I know that HE has a plan for me, good things in store for future Christmases and this time I promise to not take them for granted…

To counteract our inclination to take things for granted, we need a changed perspective. That changed perspective comes from awareness and gratitude. It very likely that I will struggle to not take things for granted. Doing so is very human and likely to happen when we are secure in our blessings. We need to be secure in the One That Blesses – not our blessings. He made me unique for this time and place, to mother my children, to be a daughter and sister, to be a friend, to impact the lives I touch with love.

Wisemen still seek him…

Give: Donate Blood

Christmas Programs - Holiday Memory #20

2008-12-21T22:26:00.004-06:00

Lots and lots of Christmas Programs over the years...

Christmas Pajamas - Holiday Memory #19

2008-12-20T17:10:00.006-06:00

I have a friend that got sleepwear every Christmas when she was growing up. I didn't, but the Christmas that I was 6, my sister and I got the most beautiful pajamas. I am not totally sure, but I am pretty sure our Grandmother gave them to us. The TV Show, I Dream of Jeannie was one of our favorite shows and we thought we looked like Jeannie in our pajamas.

Give: Pajamas! The Pajama Program give warm sleepwear and nurturing books to kids in need. http://www.pajamaprogram.org/

Charlie Brown Christmas - Holiday Memory #18

2008-12-19T11:19:00.003-06:00

Everyone needs a Charlie Brown Christmas at least once in their life. Here's the story about mine:

I was a sophomore in college and I was so looking forward to coming home for Christmas. I had it all pictured – there would be a tree and the fireplace mantle decorated with all of our homemade ornaments and decorations that my mother had gathered over the years. Mama always made a very big deal on decorating for Christmas, especially since we'd move to the new house with the very high ceiling. The Christmas tree the year before had been massive in size and had been found in the nearby Lincoln National Forest.

As I came into the house, I stopped short – there was no tree, no mantle decorations, nothing! The house was cold and uninviting. I called out and no one answered. A few minutes later my mother, sister, 17, and brother, 13, arrived home from work and school. When I asked about Christmas, my mother told me that she just hadn't had time and hadn't really been in the mood. Daddy was in Sweden and would be gone until just before Christmas and so if we were going to have a tree, it was up to us kids.

So the three of us loaded up in the front of Daddy's red Ford pickup and headed to Ruidoso. We were on a mission to find the best Christmas tree ever…

The mission was quickly scrapped once we reached the tree lot and realized two things:

Everything's is much more expensive in Ruidoso, because of the Texans
Mama had woefully underfunded us

We simply did not have the money to buy a 12 foot tree. Or a 10 foot tree. Or 8 foot tree… We perhaps had the money for a nice but small, modest tree.

We could have admitted failure and gone back home, but for some reason (we were teenagers, perhaps?), that was not an option. So we looked harder. On about the thrid trip around the tree lot, we found it… A very tall, very scraggly pine. And the price was right.

Our very own Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. We'd grown up watching the Christmas special and each of us at one time or another had felt just like that tree. Abandoned, not as attractive as the other trees, this was one tree that would not have a home come Christmas if we did not rescue it.

And besides, we thought it would be funny. It was funny.

We got home in very high spirits and brought that tree in. Mama was so mad! I know, dog's get mad, people get angry. She washed her hands of the whole mess and left us to decorate the tree. It was the first time we'd been in charge of decorating and we had so much fun. I remember just having the best time. When we were done, we called Mama downstairs and showed her the tree. She was still unimpressed, but I know that she had enjoyed our laughter and teamwork.

It may have not been the most beautiful tree, but it was our tree - the one that we kids remember the most.

I’ll be home for Christmas – Holiday Memory #16 & 17

2008-12-18T21:31:00.003-06:00

It's was about 3 am on December 22nd when my girls and I left Denver, Colorado. The trip to my family in Middle Tennessee under good conditions would take 19 hours and we would be at my sister's house about 11 pm. I'd made similar trips many times before. I hate driving all that way with no other driver to help, but it was the way I'd be able to spend the most time with my family at Christmas.

The trip was uneventful to St. Louis – the girls had books, magazines and movies to keep them entertained and I was happy that we only had 5 hours left – it was 6 pm and we were making good time. As we left St. Louis behind, my girl's dad called asking about the weather – he' seen on the Weather channel that there was a horrible snowstorm right where we were – exhausted and distracted, I realized as I hung up that I had not followed Interstate 64, but was heading up Interstate 70. It was my first mistake in a night that would strengthen my bond with my girls, fortified my faith in God and test my endurance, patience and mental abilities.

The first flakes showed up a few miles down I64. Within the hour, it was snowing heavily and the road was covered in snow. We slowed down to a crawl and I had two purposes in life: show no fear so that my girls wouldn't get scared and follow the tire tracks and red brake lights of the vehicle in front of me. Reaching Paducah, Kentucky was a major milestone – it was after 11 pm and we were still hours and miles from our destination. As the small pickup truck that I'd been following turned off, one of my girls said "There goes our angel" and the other one said – "Yeah, Mama, what are we going to do without our angel to guide us?" I very honestly said "Pray".

Leaving Paducah, we picked up another vehicle to follow and my girls settled in, quiet & watchful. We had not stopped in 5 hours. Stopping could mean not being able to get back on the Interstate and I didn't want to be stranded. We were now in rural Kentucky – nothing lit up except the snowflakes in the headlights and the red break lights of the vehicle ahead.

Mesmerized, I made my second mistake, I followed the vehicle in front of me off an exit. A typical "no services" exit in very hilly country, I had no alternative to follow the car down into the side road the off ramp accessed and then attempted to plow through at least a foot of powdery snow back on to the interstate. Fighting back tears of fatigue and just plain scared, I ordered my girls to "PRAY!" – and then started praying "Dear GOD, Please, please let us get back on to the Interstate…" Chanting "Please, please, please…" I floored the gas pedal and kept my little Mazda SUV on what I thought was the on ramp and made it back on the interstate.

By Cadiz, I had been driving for 22 hours, 7 of those hours in a snowstorm. The gas tank registered close to empty. I don't remember making a conscientious decision to not stop. I just kept going. My hope was to drive out of the storm and then stop, but it wasn't far out of Cadiz that we can to a standstill behind a long stream of cars. Exhausted, I told the girls that I just had to close my eyes… hoping to rest a moment before the line of cars started up.

BAM! Someone hit my hood. Startled awake, I rolled down the window and the guy said "You aren't my wife!" and then "There's a semi that's jackknifed up there, you'd best turn around and go back to Cadiz" and then he walked away.

Turnaround… Okay. But where? That Turnaround about 25 yards ahead marked "For Official Use Only"?

Within minutes we were headed back to Cadiz. Once we reached Cadiz, the first thing I saw was a gas station/convenience store at the foot of a hill with a hotel atop. After the attendant got the pump unfrozen, I pumped a full tank of gas into my vehicle – it was so cold I could hardly stand it. After 3 attempts to ascend the hill to the hotel, I gave up and parked the Mazda in the gas station parking lot at the bottom of the hill. Gathering up our overnight things, we made the hike up in the dark, the girls carefully following my footsteps..

It was so warm when we finally got to the lobby. We were greeted by the attendant, who answered my timid "Do you have any rooms?" with a "Sure, I've got a non-smoking King with a Jacuzzi Tub – it's my last one, but I'll charge you the regular room rate… Do you want it?"

By the time we got to the room, it was 2:30 am. We'd been traveling for almost 24 hours. Exhausted we fell asleep, the girls on each side of me.

National Weather Service: December 23, 2004. A 29-mile stretch of Interstate 24 was shut down in both directions after snow drifts made it impassable. The governor declared a state of emergency. The National Guard was mobilized to assist over 1,000 motorists who were stranded for as long as 24 hours along that stretch of highway. Hundreds of travelers were taken to shelters at area high schools and churches. Hotels were totally full from the Tennessee state line to the Kentucky Lake region. The gridlock on I-24 began when a semi overturned near Cadiz at mile marker 59. As vehicles waited for the wreck to be cleared, deepening snow drifts made the highway impassable, even to some plows and graders.

The next morning, we woke up to bright blue skies and no way to leave the little town of Cadiz. Looking out our window with a view of the interstate, we saw vehicles lined up in both directions as far as we could see. The news reported the still closed interstate and so we ate our cold poptarts and settled in for a few hours.

At lunch time, we trudged down the hill to our Mazda, picking our way through the haphazardly parked vehicles in a very full parking lot. Grabbing the munchies we had left, we headed to into the store to find something more substantial. Walking past the pumps, I noticed at the gas station was there was no gas available. The line to use the restroom wrapped around the entire store and outside with very weary travelers. There was no line to purchase food because everything edible had been taken from the shelves. All that was left was two lonely hotdogs in the Oscar Meyer warmer. Seeing my girls look longingly at the display, the clerk whispered to me "Them ain't old – I just put 'em in, they's all we got left" and the girls got lunch.

By 2 o'clock that afternoon, we were getting antsy – and the motel attendant told us he'd give us until 4 to decide whether we were going to keep the room. Our safe haven was starting to feel like a prison camp, with brave escapees calling back on their cell phones to report the travel condition of roads that could take us around the closed interstate. Just after 3 pm, we got a report on a dependable route and so with the sun starting to go down, we started out in a caravan of vehicles, slowly taking us closer to Christmas in Tennessee.

I don't remember much about the next 6 hours (the trip should have taken 2), but I do remember driving up to my sister's house. The hugs all around, telling the story and Daddy telling me that I'd hit the lottery of being stranded when I scored the best room at the hotel.

It could be said that coincidences and luck abounded during our trip. But I don't see it that way. There were just too many things that went right and I truly feel we were guided all along the way. After 3 years of difficult times, the ordeal helped me to know that the girls and I would be okay and whatever came our way, we could overcome – if we moved in the right direction, let other's show us the way, get back on the right path when we strayed and listen for His voice. God provides.

Give: Take someone in or volunteer to help at a shelter.

Merry Christmas from Florida - Holiday Memory #15

2008-12-16T23:00:00.011-06:00

I remember taking this picture - it seemed like we took a million of them and I got really bored and tired.

Sliding - Holiday Memory #14

2008-12-15T23:03:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, snow falls in the late evening and covers the streets so that you can only see the tire tracks of a few brave or determined drivers. When this happened when I was growing up, we would ask Mama:

"Can we go sliding?"

To do sliding correctly, you'd take off running and then, in the packed snow of a tire track, you'd slide through until you stopped. I don't know how it got started – maybe it's something she did as a child in Wyoming. I do know that Mama enjoyed it just as much as we did – I can still hear my mother laughter and see the sparkling fun in her eyes. When we got too tired to slide, we'd come back to the house cold and numb and Mama would make us hot chocolate and popcorn.

It is one of my favorite memories of my mother – in the fairyland made by the clean white snow. Our tiny New Mexico town turned into the perfect winter playground.

Give: Play with your children

Christmas came early – Holiday Memory #13

2008-12-14T23:37:00.002-06:00

For most people, there are 9 more shopping days until Christmas. For me, Friday was my last shopping day. Christmas Eve was Friday and Christmas Day was Saturday. This year, my girls go to their dads for Christmas.

Since I have committed to listing December/Christmas blessings on my blog this month, you might expect that this entry would be a break from that. But it really isn't. While it is hard to not be with my girls on the "day" – Christmas – I have come to enjoy the unexpected rewards of a Christmas celebrated early. Off the top of my head they are:

You don't get tired of Christmas – you haven't had time
Shopping is easy because the stores haven't run out of items and if you need to shop on Christmas morning… you can just go before the kids wake up.
We've designed our own Christmas – which is mainly about hanging out with each other
We drive by the stores and marvel at all the people that still have to shop

This year was our 4^th early Christmas and it gets better every year. You could say it's become a tradition...

Give: Pray for those who are dreading Christmas –because of death, divorce, money problems, illness or broken heart.

Grandmommy’s Popcorn Balls - Holiday Memory #12

2008-12-13T23:59:00.003-06:00

For years and years, the Christmas Eve meal was Mexican Food and for desert, we would have Grandmommy's Popcorn Balls. I am not sure when that tradition started, but for as far back as I can remember, my grandmother would have a whole bunch of popcorn balls ready for munching. She stored them in white trash bags and there were usually at least two bags full.

Most years, they would be piled up into a multicolored mountain of popcorn balls on the table along with various homemade candies. You'd usually have a choice of red, green or white. I always liked red the best, but sometimes I'd pick out a green one. I loved it when she'd add red hots to the red popcorn balls – and then those would be the only ones I'd go for.

After Christmas was over, the left over popcorn balls would go back into the white trash bags and it was a game to reach in and see what color you'd get. Eventually, they'd shrink into small hard chunks and the last few would have to be thrown away. Popcorn balls wouldn't reappear until the next Christmas.

Grandmommy's not making popcorn balls anymore. I don't know if we even have the recipe, but if I can find it, I am planning on making them with my girls – that's one tradition that I absolutely don't want to lose.

Give: Make candy or bake cookies a your child. Borrow one if necessary.

The 12 Days of Christmas – Holiday Memory #11

2008-12-12T14:36:00.004-06:00

After 2 years in Lubbock, Texas, I still felt like a refugee. Barely surviving, thriving was a concept I couldn't even begin to comprehend. I had two daughters that needed a mother that could provide for them not just physically but emotionally and my mental and financial banks were almost depleted. I was taking care of my girls, but there was no one taking care of me.

And it was Christmastime. I was trying so hard to be upbeat but I could tell that my discouragement was starting to spread to my girls.

The 1^st present arrived the evening of December 12^th or 13^th and it simply said "On the 1^st Day of Christmas"… The package was opened and contained three of the cutest little candy bowls – a santa, snowman and penguin. My girls were so excited! And I was… Curious.

The next evening, there was another gift and it was marked "On the 2^nd Day of Christmas". This time the smile on the inside matched the one on the outside. Someone cared.

On the 3^rd Day, 4^th Day, 5^th Day… Every gift was a little Christmas. We never did see Santa's helpers – they were very clever. My girls speculated who it might be (they didn't even come close) and I was enjoying the happy surprise. I was also learning to just enjoy being given to. My love tank was filling up and it somehow got easier to be in the Christmas spirit.

As the days went by and Christmas crept closer, my girls started to get worried. We were going out of town for Christmas – what would happen to the gifts? They needn't have worried, the night before we left, we arrived home from the grocery store to find a bunch of gifts on our doorstep. The one marked "On the 12^th Day of Christmas" included a Christmas card reveling our Santa. While I had suspected, I hadn't been sure…

It's been 4 years since the presents started arriving. My friend continues to give to me through hugs and encouragement – which is what I need most nowadays. I will never be able to repay her. I don't think that I want to. Life isn't about pay back – it's about taking care of those that you find around you that are in need.

Thank you my dear friend. You have been a true blessing to me and my family.

Give: Look for the opportunity to be Santa to a single parent –

What's for dinner - Holiday Memory #10

2008-12-11T22:29:00.004-06:00

Mexican food on Christmas Eve.

Green Enchiladas, Red Enchiladas, Tostadas and Salsa, Chile con Queso...

Give: Donate your old cell phone http://www.phones4life.org/

Christmas Ornaments - Holiday Memory #9

2008-12-10T22:27:00.004-06:00

It came today. My Christmas Ornament.

Each year, starting in 1986, I have received a Christmas ornament from my best friend Cris. The first ornament was a simple Hallmark ornament that celebrated the friendship that had seen us through Jr High, High School, College and early adulthood.

Our friendship started when I looked across the aisle at church and decided that Cris would be a good best friend. We were 12. There couldn't have been two girls more unalike – the talented, gifted red-head and the uncoordinated, average girl with the dirty-dishwater blonde hair. We did have a shared faith and circumstances – living in a middle of nowhere town in New Mexico - so that, combined with a love for walking, turned out to be a great foundation for friendship.

I've always thought I got the best end of that decision – and not just because of the great ornaments.

Some years, the ornament celebrate an event like my first home (1987) or a new baby (1991 & 1995). Some ornaments are picked because they are unusual – a elaborate peacock, the personalized snowmen, a Santa spoon, there should be 22 in all (although I have never counted). Most are dated by Cris, because she knows that I love to know the year, but don't keep track.

In the last 7 years, most of my Christmas traditions have vanished. The death of my mother, my marriage and an every-other-Christmas has resulted in Christmas that would be barely recognizable to my 25 year old self. One thing that hasn't changed is the gift of Friendship and the Christmas ornament that goes with it.

Thank you Cris – for everything you do and for listening to me – even when you'd rather be sleeping…

Give: Help a newlywed couple get started with their own Christmas traditions – give them a gift certificate or money toward their first tree.

Happy Birthday, Grandmommy - Holiday Memory #8

2008-12-09T22:07:00.004-06:00

Today is Grandmommy's 90^th birthday.

My grandmother came of age during the depression and married my grandfather when she was 20. She always called him Clinton, because she didn't like his first name, Homer. Times were very tough in their early years of marriage, they endured the last years of the depression and World War 2 as a young couple. Along the way they had my Uncle Harold and my mother, Carolyn. Years later, when my mother was 12 and on my Uncle Harold 16^th birthday, she had my Aunt Marjorie.

At Papa's funeral 2 years ago, Grandmommy got up and told this story. I think it portrays the beauty of a marriage and lives intertwined for over 68 years.

When Clinton would get sent to assignment where we could join him, he would send for us. One time, I arrived at the train station with Harold and Carolyn and we had to wait a bit for Clinton to come get us. There was a woman at the station that had been there for several days and told us that there were no places for families. I told her that Clinton wouldn't have sent for us if he hadn't gotten a place for us to stay. And that's what I know Clinton's doing now – he's gone ahead and he'll send for me when he's got a place ready.

My memories of my Grandmother includes naps in the afternoon, baking bread with her in the little loaf pans she had for us, dress-up clothes, swimming all summer long, her garden and her flowers, her needlepoint pictures that she made and gave everyone in the family, the motorhome. Mostly, I remember her Love and being her Sweetie.

Happy Birthday, Grandmommy – I love you.

Give: Never forget that your time with the people you love is short. Show that love every day.

Santa Picture? Maybe Next Year - Holiday Memory #7

2008-12-08T22:28:00.010-06:00

December 1996

The Truth about Santa - Holiday Memory #6

2008-12-07T21:52:00.005-06:00

One of the toughest conversations I've had with my youngest was on the existence of Santa Claus. Actually, there were multiple conversations. Over several years. I just couldn't do it, I would look into her trusting eyes and it would just break my heart that I was about to take away something that she believed in and the words would just stick in my throat.

I tried, because I didn't want her to be embarrassed at school to be the only 5^th, 6^th, 7^th grader to believe in Santa. I even tried at Easter… thinking that if I got the deed done at Easter, it would be less traumatic. That conversation ended with me hugging her and promising her that there was an Easter bunny and Santa Claus and there would be as long as she believed…

As Christmas rolled around last year, it was time again to "have the talk". It actually went very well, I asked her what she thought about Santa and that's when she told me she'd had figured it out the year before, but she and her friends all wanted to believe. And that was that. She had chosen to believe and I was no longer the keeper of the Santa myth.

Give: Forgive Someone

Christmas Cards, Pt 1 - Holiday Memory #5

2008-12-06T21:12:00.017-06:00

I like sending out Christmas Cards – I also like to get them. While I honor anyone who puts in the effort to send Christmas Cards, my favorite cards are picture Christmas card. Personalized Christmas cards was never a tradition when I was growing up, but one that I started the first year I was able to. I've experimented with all kinds of formats including photo cards, newsletters, printed Christmas cards with pictures – anything goes. In the last few years, I've sent out an email version of our card. I am still deciding what this year's Christmas card will be like… stay tuned.

As my family evolved, so did the pictures. The first picture included Max – an American Eskimo that I'd gotten for my birthday and who was a member of the family for 13 years. Max was part of the Christmas card after my oldest was added, but after 2nd baby, it became too difficult to have both Max and my youngest… although there were a few years that I was sure that we'd chosen the wrong one to drop.

There were a couple of years that included only the girls… And then the first picture with the girls and me. A few years are missing, years that a card just didn't seem like a priority. I now make up two cards – one that I send to my family and friends and one with just my girls to send to their other family.

My Christmas Cards tell the story of my life - my family.

Give: Donate coats to the Boys and Girls Club.

The Back of the Tree - Holiday Memory # 4

2008-12-05T14:56:00.003-06:00

I am no Martha Stewart – but I do have a healthy dose of the female decorating gene. Since I first set up house, I've been in charge of the tree and any other knick-knacks that we are so fond of at Christmas. I found out last year that my daughters consider me a bit of a décor-nazi…

I splurged on a cheap DVR camcorder on Black Thursday last year and my girls use it to make a short documentary on Tree Decorating – Mama style. As one of them recorded, they'd interview the other… Why are you moving that decoration? Because you can't have two silver balls next to each other… Why are you putting that decoration up? Because it was one that I made in 1^st grade (kindergarden, pre-k) and I like it. Why are you putting it there? Because the back of the tree needs decorating too… (giggles and laughter…)

I love that – the fun decorating, the making fun... the laughter – Christmas.

Give: Never pass up a Salvation Army Bell Ringer without putting change or a dollar bill in the kettle.